by heinusweinus

You’ve been in one. I’ve been in one. Almost everyone has been in one (and no it’s not your mom). It’s Trader Joe’s. A grocery store that pushes the limits of what a grocery store really is. With samples, seemingly happy employees, Hawaiian shirts, and special twists on foods that don’t need special twists, Trader Joe’s provides a food shopping experience like no other. Recently though, a dark storm cloud has overcome Trader Joe’s. Shoppers feel a chill when this presence enters their once safe space. They can’t help but feel alarmed by the shirtpants outfit, blank stare, and mansplaining energy radiating into the store. People everywhere should be warned, straight men are starting to infiltrate Trader Joe’s.

Girls, gays, and theys take a deep breath. Your haven of special milks and salsas is not going to turn into a sausage party anytime soon due to the work of Trader Joe’s activists everywhere. These brave souls have been out at Capitol Hill every night for two weeks pushing for changes to be made to keep their TJ’s safe from the cis heterosexual men. And with some help from Bernie Sanders himself, those changes have been made. May I present to you:

Trader They’s

Trader They’s is not like any other Trader Joe’s. Sure they have the same food, same spunk, and same prices, but the one thing they do not have is straight men. Anyone who enters this store must be a woman or queer in some capacity, and sensors will be checking at the front to make sure no cis hetero men get through. In Trader They’s women and queer people can finally shop in peace without fear that they’ll be asked how much they can bench from a steroid-infused straight man.

With me now to discuss this monumental store is one of the main activists of this movement, Emma Spoford.

So Emma, what made you want to fight for a straightmen free Trader Joe’s?

“For women and queer people, grocery shopping can be a strenuous and oppressive experience. Trader Joe’s should be a welcoming and comforting environment free of the dreaded straight man.”

Now that you have been in both Trader Joe’s and Trader They’s, how has the presence of no straight men impacted your shopping experience?

“The presence of no straight men in my immediate vicinity tends to drastically increase my mood, and therefore positively impacts my shopping experience.”

With the implementation of Trader They’s do you feel there is still more work to be done or do you feel satisfied with the outcome of this movement ?

“Trader They’s is the space we all needed and deserved, and I believe the movement has come to its natural end. With the exception of the occasional dad with a small child, no straight men shall ever set foot in a Trader They’s, and that will provide women and queer people with ther grocery shopping experience that they deserve.”

As with any change in this country Trader They’s has met some criticism from straight men who feel excluded by the new store and feel as though they have done nothing wrong (typical). This criticism has been shut down by women and queer people everywhere with the hashtag #whereidontfeelsafe to show the cis hetero men how much privilege they have by being a cis heterosexual man. Trader They’s hopes to combat this injustice by providing a place where all the girls, gays, and theys can #feelsafe. Unfortunately Trader They’s is only open in select locations, but are planning to open stores nationwide in the upcoming months. So to everyone who must brave the stench of Axe body spray, Old Spice, and sweat every time they enter Trader Joe’s, just know that change is coming. Soon enough you will be able to buy overpriced avocados without the fear of having to watch a straight man flirt with your girlfriend who’s strapon packs more than he ever has in his entire life.

Categories: around town, heinus wanus, Uncategorized