The following events were found scribbled in a waterlogged diary fished out of the Waterman fountain. The legible entries are transcribed below:
Monday 1:00pm: My Target shopping journey was very successful, I am now equipped with apple juice and chex mix. My life is fulfilled. Secured a spot in the MAT parking lot. Parking job shitty, as usual (staying in the lines is for bitches). Feeling: accomplished.
Tuesday 9:30am: Strange news this morning. Woke up to a cryptic email from campus police saying that I’ve BEEN WARNED (to never park in a pay-by-hour spot overnight or whatever). They even sent a picture of my shitty parking job. I have the terrible feeling that I’m being watched. I crept carefully out of my suite to move my car, throwing glances behind me as I go. Eventually found a spot near UHeights. Feeling: uneasy.
Wednesday 11am: It happened again. Same creepy email, new shitty parking job photo. Apparently I “parked in faculty parking”. Such lies. Faculty aren’t even real. And this time they’re asking for a ransom! A whopping $30 just so I would keep my mouth shut about my torment. Horrifying. I think they smelled my fear. I’ve decided to test my tormentors by keeping my car in that spot for another day. Maybe they’ll grow bored and find another victim. Feeling: clever.
Thursday 8am: Woke up in a cold sweat. I think my body knew that I’d been duped. Another 2 emails in my inbox. A cold shiver slid down my spine as I read “ANOTHER $30 BITCH” written in Rallycat’s blood. My plan had failed. I grabbed my keys and ventured warily into the parking lot. Maybe it was my imagination, but I swore I saw the ghostly figure of Rallycat hovering above my windshield, only to vanish when I turned on my wipers. What kind of sick game are these monsters playing? It was time to end this once and for all. Feeling: completely and definitely sane (for sure).
Saturday 11:37pm: Almost 3 whole days with- out a sign of the mysterious campus police. My idea to hide my car in the cattail swamp by the amphitheater seems to have worked. I’m current- ly watching from the amphitheater and munch- ing on the last of my chex mix. My plan was to ambush them, but I feel that I’m running out of time. After all, I am out of chex mix. I’m going back to my suite to fetch more. Feeling: hungry.
Sunday 12:09am: I may only have minutes left but I must write this down, even if it’s the last thing I do. I returned from my chex mix journey to find that my car had vanished from the amphitheater swamp. In the center of the vacancy lay a yellow post-it note which read “U CAN’T HIDE”. They’d finally found me. I looked back at the amphitheater and saw none other than Rallycat’s ghost taking a massive bong rip, at which point I blacked out. I awake in the Waterman fountain, with only enough energy to write these last few words. Please, remember to always park in resident red. And God, if you’re out there, I just want to say that… 15 minutes can save you 15% or more on car insur –