In light of it still being the beginning of the semester in addition to the absurd size of this year’s freshman class, it’s an unfortunate reality that every on-campus student’s beloved Patrick Gym always seems to be unbearably crowded. I’m lucky enough to have a flexible schedule as well as a concerning willingness to skip classes, and like many other people have been trying to find the most optimal time of day to get a lift in. . It seems like no matter what time of day I try— quite literally the 6am to midnight range– the very few machines or one specific weight dumbbell I want to use are taken. Not just taken, but be- ing used by someone who has specifically singled me out and will now begin their 12-set workout as soon as I arrive (yes, it has to be intentional). I quickly realized this epidemic of gym overpopulation was fully out of my control and I would have to just suck it up and talk to people in the interest of my own time. No, not asking how many sets they have left, if someone can spot me, or a casual “hey are you using this bench? ” I skipped all the small talk one-word exchanges and got right down to the big question that was really eating away at me as I pushed 20 minutes waiting for the same person to finish with the lat pull down: what is everyone listening to while they work out? I usually stick to subjectively shitty trap music (21 Savage and old Drake have never done me wrong), but as Mr. Gym Bro moved the weight up for the eleventh time, I set out to get some answers. I took the embarrassment upon myself to be able to share what might be the reason for your next PR: the 100% real, unhinged variety of the UVM Patrick Gym soundtrack.
1. Break Stuff (Live From Woodstock 1999), Limp Bizkit– If you play this loud enough that other people can hear, it warrants at least a 20-foot personal space bubble.
2. Personal Jesus, Depeche Mode– This song always makes me think of that one episode of Arrested Development where Gob gets trapped in his Amazing Jesus Illusion. This recommendation came from a guy wearing a black tank at least two sizes too small absolutely destroying some hammer curls, so I think he was listening to Depeche Mode in more of a “Batman’s airpods as he beats a guy half to death for minor shoplifting” type of way and definitely not my “80s electropop that plays at the grocery store” perspective.
3. Can’t Stop, Red Hot Chili Peppers– Addicted to the shindig!
4. Drowning (sped up version), A Boogie wit da Hoodie ft. Kodak Black– This song sounded the best playing max volume from some kid’s school-issued shitty chromebook on the bus ride to high school in 2017. But I guess the nightcore version is a close second.
5. Angry White Boy Polka, Weird Al Yankovic– All the classics wrapped up into one, plus accordion!
6. Oscillate Wildly, The Smiths– a guaranteed bench press PR
7. I Cannot Fucking Wait Til Morrissey Dies, JPEGMAFIA– Hatred for Morrissey is a strong enough force in itself for an extra set, this song is just a convenient catalyst.
8. Poker Face (South Park version), Eric Cartman ft. Kenny and Kyle– something about the original just isn’t the same.
9. Boogie, BROCKHAMPTON– Be honest, there’s a reason we were all bumping BROCKHAMPTON in middle school. Admit it, you still do.
10. Rasputin, Boney M– A just dance classic.
11. The New Workout Plan, Kanye West– Alright I’m allowed to love this song ironically, but there’s kind of no excuse to listen to it as a man. Especially when he’s deadlifting in the squat rack? And wearing Sperry’s? Get out.