As the fall semester begins to ramp up, so do the uncomfortable visits to a
stranger’s dorm room. Whether it be a tinder hookup or a friend of a friend of a
friend, I think we’ve all found ourselves staring at a remarkably disgusting dorm
room during these last few weeks. With that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of the
most striking, most horrifying dorm décor I’ve seen this year.
- A Slim Jim, unwrapped, stuck to the wall with a command strip. This was
particularly jarring to witness, as both a vegetarian and some who is not a total fucking slob. When asked to elaborate, the resident commented, “Late night snack.” I did not inquire any further.
- Nothing, except for a poster of Megan Fox. The walls were bare. No rug.
Blue flannel sheets. And on the wall, one poster: a soaking wet, Transformers
era Megan Fox. This was respectable.
- One (and a half) cups of frozen milk. I was told very explicitly to clarify
that it was more than one cup. I’m not sure if the additional half cup makes the situation better or worse, although I’m leaning towards the latter. The milk was being “saved for a rainy day,” whatever that fucking means.
- A giant, inflatable, silver sex doll with orange glitter all over it. The weird-
est thing about this, by far, is the fact that it was seen in multiple dorms over the course of 24 hours. I still have no idea who this belongs to, or why. Honestly, I’m not even sure if this was real or if I was hallucinating from a Benadryl trip.
- Two fully lofted beds. I don’t think the right words exist to express the
height of these beds. There was no possible way for a fully grown man to slither his way into this bed every night, let alone sit up without immediately getting a traumatic brain injury. I can’t imagine they will last like that, but honestly, who knows.
- An authentic vintage Viagra clock. My jaw hit the floor at this one. This ful-
ly functional clock said, “It’s time to talk about Viagra,” and honestly, I couldn’t agree more. Let’s make UVM a Viagra friendly campus!
- Tampon Mistletoe. I wish I knew how to explain this besides saying that it
was tampon mistletoe. Hanging from the ceiling, a single, (unused) unwrapped
tampon, which served as a dorm room mistletoe. It did not serve its purpose, as I don’t think anyone is ever getting kissed in that room.
- Five dead plants of various sizes. I would understand this more if it was
February, but I witnessed this during week one. How were they all already dead? Not just wilting, but brown, crispy, and fully deceased. I can only imagine that they were killing these plants intentionally, because there is no way for them to have been in such horrible shape so early in the year unless they were watering with their leftover White Claws during a hungover haze.
- Pin the tail on the Rally Cat. This one was almost offensive. Stuck to the
wall was a near true-to size rally cat, and stuck to its butt, a banana peel. I was informed that this was “just for fun” and “not malicious in intent.” I don’t trust that for a minute.
- A hard-boiled egg, decorated with a hyper-realistic drawing of an erect
penis. I really saved the best for last. No artistic rendition could ever recreate
what I witnessed here. Ever. The drawing was so detailed, so intense, so erotic. On some level I think my encounter with this egg was divine intervention.
Categories: sarah andrews, September 27, trash, vol 26