I’m here to inform you that every uvm student’s dream is, in fact, a reality– smoking weed is actually good for you! A slew of recently declassified studies conducted by uvm show that, when smoked, weed is actually a miracle drug! In anticipation of recreational dispensaries opening on octber 1 of this year, uvm has been slowly releasing recently declassified stud- ies proving just how incredible cannabis is. But why?
Back in the ’60s, a bunch of self-proclaimed “hip- pie” scientists at uvm started researching the potential health benefits of cannabis as a result of the nixon ad- ministration’s harsh criminalization of the plant. The results of these studies were groundbreaking, revealing that cannabis is a miracle drug that can heal and pre- vent numerous diseases, even ailments that were pre- viously believed to be untreatable (“green” and gold, 1971). The university was able to prove that “pot” can help treat and prevent boredom, rabies, constipation, diarrhea, foot fungus, erectile dysfunction, cyanobacte- ria poisoning, hangovers, common cold, and so much more! (healthy minds, healthy bodies, 2014). In fact, the university even disproved the popular theory that smoking pot kills brain cells, by proving the exact op- posite! (the bigger the joint the bigger the… , 1969).
Upon hearing these findings, the federal government was swift to give the university hush money to classify these studies and never reveal their results. The univer- sity happily agreed to these terms in exchange for in- creased funding and classified their studies. However, the terms of the agreement did not prevent the univer- sity from conducting further studies, so they contin- ued their work in secret. The conditions of the federal government’s agreement with the university were only valid for 40 years, meaning that their agreement ex- pired sometime during president obama’s first term.
You may be wondering “shred cruz, if the agreement to keep these studies classified ex- pired over a decade ago, how come i’ve nev- er heard of this? ” well, dear reader, you pose a fantastic question. Instead of releas- ing their findings to the public and assist- ing in further research, they decided to keep their studies classified and use their knowl- edge for a cash grab. The university has lob- bied the government to legalize recreational “pot” since at least 2012. Once recreational use was decriminalized, they lobbied hard- er to legalize the sale of recreational cannabis.
Clearly, their lobbying attempts proved suc- cessful, as recreational dispensaries are set to open on october 1 of this year. However, the conspira- cy doesn’t end there. In fact, it’s just the beginning.
Uvm has single-handedly funded every recreational dispensary set to open in the great state of vermont. My sources have told me that in anticipation of these dis- pensaries’ openings, the university is going to declas- sify every cannabis study they’ve conducted in the past 55 years, and use their findings to massmarket pot as a miracle drug. The university of vermont wants you, your mother, and your neighbor to run to buy $75 eighths (before tax). It’s been their plan all along.