miralax sales plummet after grundle opens for semester

by libbyherzog

A new dining option in Burlington, VT proves to be a more effective solution to Irritable Bowel Syndrome than the popular product MiraLAX.

I hate large corporations. Maybe it’s because I am terrified of capitalism forcing me to work a 9 to 5 job or maybe it’s because I have good morals. Either way, they are the antithesis of The Story of Robin Hood; stealing money from the poor and giving it to the rich. Greedy, narcissistic CEOs are always willing to go to extreme lengths for personal profit, even murder and genocide (you don’t want to know what big businesses were up to during the Holocaust). As a broke college student paying out-of-state tuition, I resent these rich, old, white men for standing in the way of economic equity.

I have some positive news; one of these horrible corporations is on its way towards bankruptcy. Bayer, a global pharmaceutical company known for making Aspirin, is facing economic collapse. Their net interest income has plummeted and their investors, includ- ing billionaire Elon Musk, fear losing their fortune of billions. According to PhD student Libby Herzog at Harvard University, Bayer’s financial situation can best be explained by the capital adequacy ratio theory. For those who are not familiar with expert economist jar- gon, I will explain this in more simple terms. No one is buying their drugs so now they have no money.

Bayer describes their vision and writes that their products have “the potential to cure severe diseases” (Bayer Global). Their bestselling drug, MiraLAX, cures Irritable Bowel Syndrome in people around the world. Approximately 50 million Americans struggle with this excruciating disease (American College of Gastroen- terology). IBS symptoms include anxiety, depression, and abdominal pain, as a result of being full of shit, literally. MiraLAX is an osmotic laxative that solves the epidemic of constipation. The unflavored, grit-free powder relieves people of pain by allowing them to poop once more. Now there’s a new, more appealing alternative to MiraLAX, and Bayer is in trouble.

What is the new miracle solution to IBS that is causing the collapse of this corporation? It is called Grundle.

The Harris-Millis dining hall, or the Grundle as students refer to it, is located on UVM’s athletic campus. It offers a variety of nutritious and delicious options for hungry students. Some fan favorites include fresh fruit topped with high protein insects, crunchy raw sweet potatoes, the trivia game of guess the mystery meat, and their one- of-a-kind scrambled egg soup. The iconic nickname “Grundle” is inspired by the anatomical term for the area between one’s anus and genitals. It was given this name because just like your grundle, this dining hall is a sacred space that is only for people you really love. Many long-lasting romantic re- lationships started after intimate dates at the Grundle.

The high quality meals at the Grundle have an additional benefit to UVM students. The lavish French supplier of Grundle, Sodexo, uses recipes that are an excellent alternative to brand-name laxatives such as MiraLAX. A survey of UVM undergraduates revealed that rates of constipation on campus have decreased by nearly 100% of those on the unlimited meal plan. Students who suffer from IBS are finally going into remission thanks to this miracle cure.

Students at the University of Vermont are eternally grateful for this and have been inspired to spread this anti-capitalist solution to IBS. There is now a booming activist movement on campus that is fighting for economic equity in the country. The group is dubbed “Colons Against Capitalism” and they are organizing an upcoming rally outside the Davis Center to spread their powerful message. We are single-handedly the solution to corporate greed. Keep calm and Grundle on!

Categories: around town, libby herzog, September 27

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