inside the uvm sophomore housing battle royale

by politicalfish

Hello UVM besties, and freshmen. It is that time of year again: the sophomores have learned that they are going to be evicted from the dorms and need to find a place to live next year. The scene is competitive, with shy 3,000 students all vying for the same two and a half shoebox sized, 15 story walk-up apartments, each located just inside the boundary of UVM’s commuter parking re- striction. On behalf of The Water Tower, I visited one of these apartments to interview some of the students and see how their efforts are going.

Hey guys! You certainly look excited about this apartment!

Josh: Oh absolutely. Me and my buddy Ben over here have been trying to find an apartment, and on the first day during Chem 031, Ben called me and told me he’d heard about this place. I left in the middle of introduc- tions and came straight down here. We’ve been here ever since. Ben: It’s been tough with the rain these past few weeks, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I see.

I’m guessing that explains the camping gear?

Ben: Yup. This guy Alex is lending it to us in exchange for letting him crash on the couch next year. It’s a win- win, he gets a place to live without having to look for an apartment, and we get to stay here on the sidewalk so we can sign the lease the second The Landlord emerges.

Wait, what do you mean when The Landlord emerges? Has he not come out of the building? You’ve been here for weeks!

Josh: He tried but as the scene gets more competitive, The Landlord needs to stay back to defend the apart- ment—hold down the fort, literally. You see that group of girls up there, in the UVM sweats and Skida ski masks? Ben: Yeah, they’re the fourth group we’ve seen today try to shimmy up the neighbors drainpipe and break in through the window. The Landlord didn’t put any pictures of the apartment online, so people are trying to sneak inside to take a look. Josh: I think some of them are trying to claim squatters rights too. But, look there’s The Landlord. Ben: And His giant fly swatter. Josh: Andddddd there go the girls. That was a long fall. They look okay though. Ben: The Landlord wins this round. That’s why He can’t leave. And why we’re here, waiting everyone out.

I admire the dedication. A few more questions, can you share with our readers how much this apartment is going for?

Josh: Well the last time we checked it was around, what, $10k per month? Ben: Yeah, but it’s probably more by now. Every time The Landlord needs to fend someone off, He raises the price, and our phones have been dead for the past two weeks. Our families must be worried.

Yikes. Lastly, do you have any tips for our readers?

Any advice on where they should look to find an apartment? Ben: Well… Josh: No, no we can’t. Ben, look at me. Don’t. He told us not to tell. We can’t. I’m scared. You’re scaring me. Ben: Josh, it’ll be okay. We have to. Josh: I don’t like this, Ben. Ben: I know, Josh. I know. Listen, you didn’t hear this from us, okay? But if you really can’t find a place, go to the Gutt this Saturday at 3 AM. Ask for Rally Cat, but make sure you’re prepared for what he asks of you. You can never go back…

Well, that’s ominous. Thanks for the interview boys, and good luck.

Categories: fireside chats, political fish, September 27, vol 26

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