As summer comes to a close, freshmen begin to overpopulate north beach as if it is the coolest local spot to ever grace the burlington metro area (that is, after they all moved on from the burlington farmer’s market last weekend. ) ah, the beginning of the fall semester. Reminds me of the 48-hour affair/bender i had with the girl down the hall following an ori- entation pep rally. Sorry, i got sidetracked. Ignore my anecdote. (go cats! ). The point i’m trying to make is that when eighteen-year-olds congregate in a freshly wayward place, trouble is always on the horizon.
Pivoting back to a newer, less embarrassing sto- ry, i’d like to discuss a tale i was privy to the other night. It all started at the fateful north beach, and boy does it get weird from there. As the evening wound down, a few newly-local souls decided to try their hand at a more scandal- ous activity: skinny dipping in our very own lake champlain. Despite the threat of bone-dissolving algae and a mysterious monster that lurks in the deep, these freshmen set off to face their fears and explore their newfound sexual exhibitionism once and for all. But alas, these evening festivities took an even more kinky turn than their original intention.
“i heard my girl go under the water and i felt something weird brush past my ankle, ” recounts ultra-fresh freshman danny bollag as he shud- dered, remembering that mystifying night.
“i thought she was just messing with me until i felt a mouth on my big toe—that’s when i knew something was wrong. ”
bollag began to break into tears mid-interview. To be honest, it was hard for a stone-cold reporter like me to keep it together as his sobs rang through the air of the grundle, the only place he’d agree to meet me.
“ellie popped out of the water as my entire foot was sucked into this thing’s mouth. Whatever it was, it was sucking on my toes! ” bollag exclaimed, burying his face in his arms as he cried.
When the news hit the press just hours after the incident, many were shocked; betrayed, even. The face of the perpetrator was a friendly one, a neighborhood hero who symbolized the fighting spirit of burlington’s ever-growing tourism industry.
His name: champ. That lovely little monster you see plushies of in the bookstore. Champ, that lochnessmonster rip-off that graced the univer- sity’s own week of welcome artwork. Champ, the toe-sucking menace of lake champlain. Returning students were shocked. Freshmen were confused, at best. Outrage poured across the newest members of the student body, but not for reasons you’d expect.
“what’s lake champlain? I thought north beach was an actual fucking beach, why didn’t anyone tell me? ” claims self-proclaimed woman- in-stem rowan lilly. It seems like most of the outrage around the scandal was directed towards lake champlain being a lake and not part of the atlantic ocean. Apparently, no one knows that vermont is a landlocked state these days. The highest-achieving freshman class in history. These kids all aced the sat. Sure.
“is he still like, sucking toes? ” another fresh- man asked me with flushed cheeks and wide eyes upon noticing my signature reporter-esque fedora.
“i’m kinda into that sort of thing and i wanna know if champ is still doing it for free. Rates for toe sucking are astronomical around here.
“i thought this was supposed to be a source of public outrage! What the fuck is wrong with these people? A public figure, namely one known and loved by many has just been caught doing freaky shit in the lake, and now all of a sudden everyone else wants to get in on the action! I’m sick to my stomach thinking about a literal lake monster slithering his tongue between my toes. No, now i’m upset. You people are freaks. Freaks.