Ever since I was a young boy growing up in the famously spiritual state of Kentucky, I was always intrigued by astrology and horoscopes. I wouldn’t necessarily con- sider myself a true believer per se, but I often do enjoy reading up on my natal chart for a little introspection. I know that no one asked, but I am an Aquarius sun, Capricorn moon, and Scorpio rising (compatible people hit me up). If you aren’t familiar with Co-Star, it’s an app that offers insight upon one’s astrological placement within the universe. Each day, the app sends out a “your-day-at-a-glance” notification, containing small nuggets of information that are usually meaningless when you really think about it. Other times, these notifications are nothing short of harsh, targeted, or just plain weird. So, I’ve compiled the following list, chronicling many of the times that Co-Star has metaphor- ically beaten me with a stick with its daily alerts:
“You will be heartbroken again and again. ”
In WHAT capacity is telling me this helpful? It was quite a rude awakening that morning when I rose to see this prediction. This one honestly made me believe that the interns at Co-Star must have some sort of a personal vendetta against me. Because, when I really think about it, how can someone draw this conclusion about my love life from just looking at some constellations?
“Learning is painful—you have a lot to learn. ”
Gee, Co-Star, thanks! (sarcasm) Honestly, this one was just mean. It’s one thing to tell me what I have to learn, but it’s another to just tell me I’m going to be in pain for the near future. This sentence is downright unnecessary. They could have at least offered a bit of guidance here because I don’t know what the app was going for.
“You can feel it in your chest”
This notification may have been my favorite of the bunch. The unnamed ‘it’ provides a particular ambiguity that I find quite intrigu- ing. ‘It’ could mean countless possible things that can be felt in one’s chest, such as a beating heart or angina. Perhaps my Co-Star was telling me to stay away from the devil’s lettuce and/or avoid the divine calling of a drunk cig (don’t smoke kids). The truth, however, is that I don’t know what the abstract ‘it’ is supposed to represent, but maybe the beauty of this statement is, in fact, due to its enig- matic qualities and capacity for interpretation.
“Let someone touch a part of your body that hasn’t been touched before”
Gross. I know. I’m not sure what the hell Co-Star was telling me to do here exactly, and frankly I’m not sure that I want to find out. They can miss me with that shit. I honestly miss when horoscopes were broad, barely applicable parables, but have we really gotten to the point where my prediction needs to be a confusing, vaguely sexual, innuendo?
Categories: bemmy, bemmy, Patrick scheen, September 27