lafayette hall club conspiracy

by zoriannapetrosyan

Being the newly christened uvm freshman i am, one would naturally assume i’d be jumping at the chance to join clubs. “it’s where you actually make friends! “, the internet loves to report. Well i sure as hell believe it, because i’m an optimist who appreciates the joy of socializing and all that—indeed, i was excited to go to college and much like other incoming freshmen from small towns, i had hopes and dreams of beating fomo to death the moment i stepped foot on campus.

Echoing the never-ending pace of the conveyor belts at our beloved dining halls though, i was over- whelmed trying to decide which clubs i could actu- ally join and keep up with. After a couple weeks, i finally set aside my “homework” one monday after- noon (which at the time unfortunately consisted of a youtube shorts binge, only experienced by the few of us cultured young people who stopped using tiktok when it was still called musical. Ly) and dived right into it. The task i was putting off doing? Combing through the uvm clubs database, targeting the good stuff, and weeding out anything incompatible with my schedule.

It was then that i confirmed the existence of a theory i had been developing… The “clubs conspiracy. ” every club seemed to meet on a tuesday, at 6 pm, at lafayette—or at other weird times during the evenings on tuesdays and thursdays (almost never a monday! ).

Pouring through a master list i had compiled of clubs that piqued my interest, i began deleting clubs furiously and at random, asking myself questions like “do i have the energy to meet for chess club twice a week—wait, why do they need to meet that often? ” and “does being a potential poli sci major mean i have to join the debate union or is that like only for future law students looking to bolster their resumes? “. It was maddening. Our very own paper meets on tuesdays at 6 at lafayette exactly as outlined in my masterfully crafted theory! But after stumbling upon excellent articles like “innocent slack- ers blackmailed into making money” and “the green monster: lafayette is ugly now”, i was hooked and had to go see what the water tower was about. Thus, i brazenly disregarded my own conspiracy and ventured out of my dorm long enough to seriously join a club. This very piece was pitched that meeting, on tuesday, at 6 pm in the lafayette building (where i foresee myself spending most of my time; we can chalk that up to the struggles of a humanities/social sciences student sigh).

In gathering evidence for my conspiracy after-the- fact, i struggled to find anything substantive beyond the meeting times for the water tower and like one another club. I swear to you though, just five days ago i could’ve rattled out a whole list of tuesday clubs that ran back-to-back-to-back… Well, us conspiracy theorists aren’t necessarily known for citing our sources.

Regardless of the truly solid foundation my conspir- acy theory is built upon (which absolves us freshmen of all blame in this), i hereby proclaim that it is okay for us to mildly complain about joining clubs! Cut us some slack, alright? Our only other entertainment, besides our investigations into sinister plots that permeate through- out campus culture, is discovering new ways to find seating in our forced triple/quadruple/quintuple/etc. Dorms.

We need this, so let us (and possibly just me) have it.

Categories: Zorianna Petrosyan

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