central dining sucks

by heinuswanus

Picture this:

you just finished an hour and fifteen minute long class and you are now feeling starved and ready to munch some mediocre food from none other than the central campus dining hall. You stand in line (a line so long disney world roller coaster lines cannot compare) alongside other converse-wearing, cargo pants, big tshirt uvm folk also anticipating their central lunch. If you’re anything like me, you’re also thinking about the hot cocoa that’s about to sear your tongue in the best way possible. After taking some little steps in line you’re inside. The smells have wafted to your nose, catcard has been scanned, but as you and all the hungry central-bound eaters look out into the vast expanse one thought comes into your mind.

At this point you are faced with two options. Find a seat and claim it with your back- pack, or get food first and figure out seating later. After some quick glances and tummy rumblings you decide on the second option. You pause and say a quick prayer to the central gods that a seat will be available.

Some food must be acquired first. The options? A cheeseburger with some half melted cheese and a slightly stale but not stale enough that it tastes bad bun with poorly cut fries to bring it all together. And don’t forget to add some condiments on top while someone stands far too close judging the amount of ketchup you put on both the bun and plate (for the fries of course). Your second option proves more of a mystery to the average central diner. You see some miscellaneous meat with several vegetables as a side. These vegetables may include but are not limited to: broccoli, kale, carrots, onions, brussel sprouts, pota- toes, mushrooms, green beans, other beans, and honestly other vegetables that you do not know but just hope for the best while eating them (you are in wellness territory after all). With some careful deliberation, cheeseburger and fries wins the prize for today’s lunch.

Plate? Full. Utensils? In hand. Napkins? Also in your hand. Now comes the moment you have dreaded since standing in the disney-central line. You must find a place to sit.

The circus begins. Carefully walking through eyes peeled at all times you survey the area to see if any open seat catches your eye. You hear the latest gossip from varying friend groups of multi colored sweaters and hair colors. Tables meant for six are packed with at least eight to ten boys laughing too loudly and saying ‘cap’ an uncomfortable amount of times. Other single eaters with eyes either glued to their phone or vacantly staring out the window take up the bar style seating you so desperately hoped to find a seat at. With no luck you continue the search. Obviously the preferred seating is the tables for two right by the windows but those have been taken by platonic friends or couples who make you want to puke (unless you are in a relationship then in that case you make me want to puke). Discouraged, annoyed, and hungry survival instincts start to kick in. It is eat or be eaten and you are not about to lose this battle to freshmen who can only move in hoards and take up way too many tables. Finally a sign from the central gods above graces your vision and you see a prime seat open up. Right at the end of the bar seating another single eater leaves and a red chair is left open and ready for your butt to be sat on it. Now is your chance. With quick steps and weaving the seat is yours.

Peace at last. Congratulations, you just survived the labyrinth that is central dining.

Categories: heinus wanus, reflections

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