controversy surrounding IKEA’s new staircase to the sun

by maxlevy

Unless you live under a rock, you’ve probably heard the controversy around Ikea’s new product. Listed as ‘JÖRMUNGANDR’, the seemingly infinite staircase to the sun is found in the ‘Other’ category of the store. IKEA’s website described it as “a subtle option for the Escherian home”, “a savvy and swift passage directly to the sun”, and “a horrifying perversion of the current understanding of physics”. It is also light beige.

Currently, the staircase is probably best described as “highly problematic”. In the twelve days since the product’s release, at least fourteen people have fallen, and are still continuing to tumble down the staircase. Riots and protests have broken out: anarchists ejecting enormous escaliers into storefronts and public institutions. One man, Thomas Sanderson, has refused to come down, and has had police called on his residence. When asked to descend, he responded:
“I’m never coming down! Don’t you see? Can’t you understand? I’m above ALL of you!” New cults and religions have been developed surrounding the so-called “Stairway to Heaven”, and new languages are being developed higher and higher along the staircase.
As this situation develops, IKEA CEO Jon Abrahamsson Ring spoke at a press conference with his eyes rolled back, and glowing runic tattoos ema- nating from his body. There, he stoked public concern:
“[JÖRMUNGANDR] is the future. We will become untethered; unbound from obsolete chains. Together, we will drink the stars.” He then proceeded to walk into the sun. As he ascended, the company
value dropped.
One cannot help but ask: is this staircase is too much power for us mortals? How can we keep such power in check? Would the Tower of Babylon have survived OSHA? We can only speculate. For now, the only question one must ask oneself is whether or not to sell IKEA stock. The answer is yes. Yes, you should probably sell that.

Categories: max levy, max levy, Uncategorized

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