Ok freshmeat, we know you’re still finding your footing here at UVM, and this
year, we’ve decided to take it easy on you. This year, the staff of the water tower is
making all of the coolest spots known on campus — from the Ira Allen Observatory,
to the LivingWell Saunas. Don’t tell your friends. We don’t want things getting more
crowded than your 3,400 asses have already made it.
The John Milton Lounge – We’ve all heard of the John Dewey Lounge in Old Mill,
but not many people know about the John Milton Lounge, named for everyone’s
favorite blind Protestant, 17th century poet Johnny Johnny Milton. You’ll find the
John Milton Lounge in the basement of Lafayette, right across the hall from the
W.B. Yeats Good Vibes Meditation Studio.
Waterman Cafe – Now that the Waterman Cafe is reopened, we’ve been taking ad- vantage of the tunnel that leads from the Cafe, under the Waterman Green, and to
Old Mill. The tunnel was created in 1941, to help students avoid
a trek across the Green during the harsh Vermont winters.
Dewey Bomb Shelter – With the cornerstone placed in 1876,
Dewey is truly a historic building which harbors generations of
history. Any building this historical also carries marks of this
history, and Dewey’s is its Cold War era bomb shelter, with a
cleverly hidden staircase in its basement. If you ever hear the
alarms, you know where to go!
Jeanne Mance – After two years of absolutely nothing weird
occurring in Jeanne Mance, the dorm continues to be one of
the coolest spots on campus. Enjoy the communal hot tub and
comfortable furniture as you relax and hang out with friends.
Make sure to touch every surface, as the building is famous for
its lack of germs.
ROTC house rooftop patio – Picture this: a crisp fall sunrise
atop everyone’s favorite campus barracks. Despite the ROTC’s
military affiliation, their house’s security is surprisingly incom- petent. Just skip on down to the architectural eyesore and scale the fire escape! If any local ROTCs try to say something, you
just gotta give them the password: a firm salute followed by a
performance of the “Star-Spangled Banner” (Fergie’s Version).
Stingray touch tank in the basement of Aiken – They’re gonna tell
you that only the marine biology majors are allowed down there
but thats just a code. You simply have to reply “my daddy is a lawyer and he’s gonna sue your ass” and they will let you in. It’s an extremely relaxing spot. Just feel the slippery backs of the stingrays and let all your worries melt away. Hell! If no one is looking, you can even get in there with them, sensory deprivation tank style!
PFG’s Water Slide – It’s a 20 ft long functional water slide that you get to by going
in through the pool and then going into the “staff only” room.
Your professor’s office hours – you should go! You’re failing the class.
The Davis Center LivingWell Sauna: Head in-between Catpause and the WRUV
station through those black swinging doors. Go straight until you hear the cool jazz
(Miles Davis, Birth of the Cool, 1957) and then go through the wooden door on
your left. Inside, you’ll find UVM’s LivingWell mental health sauna. The light casts
like a dimming candle, a soft orange glow that reminds you of a safe place tucked
away in your memories that you can’t quite name but you swear you’ve been there
before. The smell of charcoal- of dry heat that pulls you in instead of pushing you
out. The naked russian men sitting on their towels with full shrivel out, past their
prime but aging like a fine merlot. They whisper, almost in unison but not quite:
“Hello comrade. Welcome home.” Gets crowded during finals week so try and enjoy as much as you can during the semester.
Billings Dining Hall: This one’s a real hidden gem. Head into the
staircase in Billings that says “ascending only, no re-entry” and go
downstairs instead. After scanning your catcard, head through the
glass sliding door into Billings dining. Inside, you’ll find an untouched artifact of the 1950s. Your eyes will settle upon a technicolor tiled floor with twenty tilting tables and a crowd of spectacled dorks with vests and pocket protectors. The legend goes that in 1958, at the end of the Eisenhower Administration, UVM first implemented a rudimentary catcard system to unlock campus doors, but through classic UVM bureaucratic incompetence neglected to issue catcards to the students. Because of a temporal glitch in the catcard system,
time has remained frozen and none of the students have aged a day.
Interestingly, the class of ‘58 was about as white and lame as the UVM
students of today. Some things never change!
The Tunnels (multiple): Don’t even try to seek this one out. It’s for
Catpause Liquor Section: Ask the workers at Catpause to take you to
the booze. Initially, they’ll pretend not to know what you’re talking
about, but that’s just part of their training. Eventually they’ll let you
into the back where you can purchase Jack Daniels and Buzzballs
with your dining points.
Ira Allen Child Sacrifice Chamber: Entrance under the grundle’s
Simple Servings stand. Frequent guests include R. Cat, S. Garimella, and J. Epstein. Ever wonder what happens to “Honors College” kids after they get kicked out of UHeights?
Categories: eliza ligon, phil bern, wt staff