by d.ork

Taylor Swift is one of our country’s most famed songwriters, with
fans everywhere, even at UVM. Today we sat down with her private jet to
discuss the recent scandal about her plane usage, and how she got a top spot
on the list of personal CO2 emissions. Can UVM stand for this after all we
have pledged to the environment? You decide.

So what happened? How did our innocent pop star become such an
iceberg melting machine?

Private the Jet: Well, first let’s focus on me. When I took this position I was
expecting a relaxed, part time gig. But I had to work as hard, if not harder,
than a normal Jet. Ugh, maybe even a UPS plane! I have been overworked
and underpaid. I’m exhausted! Taylor does not mess around with vacation!

Of course, I know it was hard, but why did Taylor actually need so many
flights?

Private the Jet: Look, truth be told, we were flying more than just Taylor, we
also flew some of her friends. So it was really a few people using the private
Jet. We aren’t spoiled! Sharing is really the most important value behind
private jet usage.

Really? Because ‘private’ is in the name.

Private the Jet: This could’ve happened to anyone. People are just mad
at Taylor because she had the courage to make a 10 minute song. Only Taylor could do that. Being a pop star is not easy, these people are end-
lessly scrutinized for the smallest things. It was only 8,000 tons of CO2. NBD.

How long were the flights usually?

Private the Jet: You know ‘All too Well (10 minute version)’? They were usu-
ally long enough to listen to that song 85% through and then we landed. Best way to cross half of California is to listen to a Taylor Swift song while
the wildfires rage under you. If you don’t like it, then welcome to team Jake Gyllenhaal. He used me for a flight by the way! I guess he really likes a private jet.

Enough about Taylor Swift, what do you like to listen to? And who is
your dream passenger?

Private the Jet: To be honest, I love Drake. He is iconic and there would be no
greater pleasure than having him in my chassis. But he already has a plane,
a big plane. He bought out an entire commercial aircraft for himself, and he
does empty flights! Just to move it! That plane has got to be having the time
of their life. Big, roaring engines, but a load as light as a feather. Drake is
awesome.

Anything else you have to say for yourself?

Private the Jet: My lady said it best. Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate. You
know what I hate? The “Environment.” I was born for the commercial world,
I came from the fires of industry! And I don’t want to leave until I have left
my mark. Taylor helped me do just that. She will always have a special place
in my heart for that. Never listened to her music though.

Categories: d.orkin, fireside chats, wt staff