children to blame for missing bikes in burlington

by mattmcgotty

As summer comes to an end and people exclusively bring up how increasingly
early the sun is setting, the memories of summer gradually retire, waiting to be awoken next year. But for some parents, the sight of their children aimlessly frolicking next to the “rowdy” unhoused and their “antics” is cause for con- cern. This seemed surprising, as many affluent parents have
been known to otherwise never show concern for the poor,
but I suppose any disruption to the individualistic narrative can be really lame sauce.

Regardless, people consistently partake in roasts
of the those that collect in the City Hall Green like insecure
high schoolers. This seemed to be coming from the typical
place of hatred of the poor, until a certain series of bike dis- appearances occurred throughout the summer. Week after week, Gen Z’s awoke, baffled to find the various thin-chain, wire, and shoelace used to lock their bikes were, in fact,
ineffective to people with literally nothing else to do. Some
blame the Gotham City levels of crime we suffer through
daily in Burlington, while others cite mere stupidity. The
bottom line is that bikes are being stolen. However, the most
curious bit about this is the constant collection of bikes in
this City Hall Green.

Sure, some are claiming that the perpetrators to
these acts of thefts are the very unhoused that punch each other in the Adam’s Apple after 3 tequila shots from a Gatorade bottle. This, despite be-
ing incredibly logical and likely, is frankly presumptuous. In fact, those of us with houses must do better than to respect the business of those who lack that level of privacy. We as a society are failing this group of people by not assuming the best from them. In fact, we as a collective community have no reason to assume they are not stealing these bikes and using them to teach the children how to bike. The little ones that have for so long frolicked alongside those without housing have probably formed a pact of diplomacy.

Notice the lack of disrespect among both squad- rons? The children and the unhoused live alongside each, partaking in, dancing, conflict resolution, and the occasional boof, whether that be water or alcohol respectively.
Both understand each other in ways that get overlooked by
the typical American adult. In fact, this cannot be where
this stops, something bigger is cooking. For all we know,
these bike robberies are sustaining Vermont children with
bikes galore, connecting the vast state through a vehicle
with a better environmental impact and creating walkable
areas throughout the state. This change would turn cars
obsolete, thus preventing domination by way of the Tesla.
These children, listen to them, for they are wise beyond
their years. They see peer into our fate and will do whatever
it takes to reverse this looming nightmare. Above all, these
at least know how to bypass the YouTube Kids setting and
have been watching Rupaul and turning gay.

Categories: around town, matt mcgotty

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