by emmaburns
It is mid-June, and I am coasting down a New England
highway with the windows down, exploiting my friend’s
ability to drive since I have none. I’m finishing ice cream,
the sky is blue, and the first few notes of Kim Petras’Throat Goat come on. My life is about to be changed for-
ever. I had no idea that a song could be so infectious, so lively, and so entirely inappropriate for almost any environment. As soon as I heard the bleating of the goats and the faint throat gargling in the background, I was a goner.
Do you know how people describe the feelings they got
the first time they listened to Led Zepplin or the Grateful
Dead or whatever other classic band you can think of?
This was that for me. The first moments of my hearing this
song will be ingrained in my mind until the moment of
my death. God, I felt so alive. When the song came to an
end, I felt an insatiable craving for more. Which is why it
was so amazing to hear from my friend that this was from
an album. I, of course, immediately saved it.
The album in question is called Slut Pop and it is a
generation-defining work of art. Every song is a verified
hit. Banger after banger of just the filthiest, horniest shit.
I ate it up. Almost every memory of my 2022 summer
is tinged in the delightful tunes of Slut Pop. Sometimes
when I’m not paying attention, I find myself mouthing the
lyrics “little dirty bitch, I love to fuck.” I can’t go to the
gym without listening to Superpower Bitch at least once.
And there are few greater pleasures in life than driving
through a picturesque small town while “these bitches can’t suck like me, walk in, I’m the sucking Queen” blasts at top volume. Thank god for the genius of Petras and the existence of this incredible album. It’s short and sweet. It
gets to the heart of things straight away and speaks to the basest desires of humans. It’s sexy, funny, and energetic.
Yeah, sure it’s not exactly safe for work or whatever, but
playing it during manual labor makes time go so much
faster. Listening to this while carrying ladders for my job
truly made me believe that I was the superpower bitch. I envy those who have yet to hear the album. They have no idea of the transformative experience that awaits them. I am so serious when I describe this album as a work of
art. The production is beautiful, and the lyrics are both
brilliant and campy. It is absolutely worth everyone’s time.
And in case any of you were curious, here are my ratings
for each song :
Slut Pop, 9/10: It is the titular song, and is also perfect
for any form of dramatic entrance
Treat Me Like A Slut, 9/10: God this is a banger, the only
thing wrong with it is that it might be too catchy
XXX, 8/10: My one complaint is that sometimes I get
bored of the number of x’s
Superpower Bitch, 8/10: Lift weights to this song and
thank me later
Throat Goat, 1000/10: I fucking love this song
They Wanna Fuck, 7/10: I’m not always in the mood for
this song, but when I am, it’s glorious
Your Wish Is My Command, 9/10: Extremely strong
song to finish on, thank god for this album
Categories: emma burns, review, sex, views, wt staff