Believe it or not, I am not perfect. Shocking, I know,
but bare with me! In spite of my imperfections– which
are few and far between– I aim to surround myself
with perfect people. I don’t mean the kinds of people
who “drink water” and “exercise.” I’m talking about
an entirely different kind of perfect. The list below is
intended to weed out the kinds of dirtbags with whom I
simply can’t waste time. We may not agree, but perhaps
you can see why these flags scream crimson to me.
- NOT Being an Organ Donor – Like why? Why do
you need to keep them? What are you doing with your
organs after you’ve died?
- “Artist” of Any Kind – Prepare to witness the work-
ings of the most insufferable attention whore that you
have ever met. The kind of confidence associated with
artistry is entirely too much, entirely unearned.
- Only Child – See above for “craves constant atten-
tion.” This kid never learned how to share.
- Being Allergic to Pets – Just stop being a little
bitch? Idk how to help you. This isn’t going to work out
if you’re going to sneeze every time you come over.
- Ordering an “Old Fashioned”- The drink or the
donut– both are bad. The only personality trait that this person has is liking gross things.
- Hikes, Jogs, Runs, etc. – First of all, you’ll have to
work out to hang out. Second– even if you’re able to
somehow dodge the workout– you’ll have to listen to
them talk about working out. Lose-lose.
- Any Tarantino Poster (Especially “Pulp Fiction,”
Excluding “Inglorious Basterds”) – This one should be
self explanatory. If it’s not, that’s a red flag on you.
- Soundcloud – It’s bad enough if they listen to music
on Soundcloud, but God help us all if they’re making
music on there.
- Being Suuuuper Anti-Cig- Just shut the fuck up.
We get it. We’re gonna die, and you don’t like to have
fun, and misery loves company. But oh my god shut the
- Barefoot Person- Gross. Just gross.
Everyone has their red flags. And if they don’t have
any red flags, that is itself a red flag. Pobody’s nerfect
and all that. As has been used to soothe me through
many-a-ick: “Everyone has something that’s cringe.
Categories: eliza ligon