After spending years generously entertaining the UVM masses, the senior class of 2022 is departing from the water tower and entertaining new audiences, opportunities, and endeavors. We built a time machine last weekend to interview our future selves.
Jayce Slesar, as interviewed by Kelsey Deemer
In 2027 silicon valley is dead. Now it’s all about the Germanium valley founded by Jayce Slesar. He worked out a new type of side hustle that future Jayce “could explain to us, but our brains stuck in 2022 wouldn’t be able to grasp.” Kind of like if you tried to explain cryptocurrency to someone in 2012.
You might think that Jayce has done nefarious things with this small fame and fortune but that is far from the truth. Jayce has gotten into birding in the last few years. It started by designing and constructing custom birdhouses for the modern avion. Bird sound compilations have been Jayce’s most listened to genre on Apple music for three years and he can now distinguish up to 200 species by their call alone. Future Jayce informed us that he would be attending a birding conference in a few weeks in which he was nominated for “most improved bird watcher – north america.”
Future Jayce showed us a few pictures of his home and I noticed an array of plastic buttons on the floor of his living room. Upon inquiry 2027 Jayce told me he has gotten into dog training as well. But instead of using the plastic buttons to communicate in English with his old english sheepdog Jayce has been training the pup to code. Fido wrote two hundred lines of code just this morning.
Apart from his job and hobbies future Jayce can make a mean baked ziti, enjoys french pressed coffee each morning, and plays poker with Seth Rogan every other weekend.
Bear Duhamel, as interviewed by Hailey Ivey
Not so incredibly far into the future we see Bear Duhamel living deep in the green mountains, enjoying various trees that make up the beautiful forests. After retiring from being head of the UVM forestry department, they decided to go off-grid in order to be more in touch with the wood around them. Wood, of course, is the greatest force in nature, so it seemed worth it for Bear to step down from their various famous meme accounts in order to further enjoy the hard wood the state has to offer.
Lane Dibler, as interviewed by Claire Fagan
it’s the year 2027. after an initial unsuccessful attempt to move to New York to Become an Artist (worth a shot tho!) Lane went off the grid for a bit, god knows where, in an effort to denounce modernity and all the ways it has failed us as a people. After her Luddite phase, Lane resurfaced in Silver Lake Los Angeles to denounce anti-Modernity, because it’s a pretentious and clichéd stance, and got a job painting over the chipped-off paint on Lime scooters. After running into Spike Jonze at the non-toxic natural laundromat (whats he doing there?), the director encouraged her to audition to be the robot voice in the next sequel to Her. She got the role and is now a very successful voice actor, which allows her fame, status, and the shallow connections that come with such fame and status in Lalaland, all the while guaranteeing her enough anonymity to slither to Erewhon to pick up Gluten Free Grain Free Organic Soft Pretzels without fear of being recognized and photographed by some west coast lifestyle vlogger green juice drinking FREAK
Claire Fagan, as interviewed by Lane Dibler
Following Claire’s time as Creatif editor for the Watertower and a creative writing
workshop in the Czech Republic, she was inspired to revamp her tumblr. Once a fanfic page
dedicated to the hunks of sci-fi, Claire transformed it into a successful blog dedicated to the
musical stylings of C-pop bands. According to Claire’s blog, in 2025 she was invited to a forum
to discuss all things Chinese pop music. That professional convention changed her life forever.
Though we all know Claire now as the globally recognized C-pop member of the girl’s group,
POP/corn it is a little known fact that she was discovered by a producer while humming Parquet
Court’s song Already Dead in the bathroom at that C-pop convention.
Hats off to Claire Fagan, UVM’s graduating class of 2022. Her time spent in the great green mountains certainly played a part in her becoming a world-famous mysterious girl personality. We can’t wait to see the new animated short being released in the U.S this November. The film will depict Claire as both a metaphorical and literal kernel, an ohmage to her earlier years before POP/corn. Though Claire declined an interview, probably to protect her mysterious aura, her current blog, Sociologist_with_a_fist did give fans the next scrumptious taste of Claire’s next plans.
Claire wrote Thursday morning at 3:00 am, “I am moving to Finland to start a vegan bakery for piglets and lambs. Please don’t contact me.”
As always, her mystery and allure has fans biting at the chops for more Claire Fagan.
Kelsey Deemer, as interviewed by Ben Bieri
so whatever happened to our faithful coeditor in chief?
Well, she went where the wind took her for a while, enchanting all those around her, finding spiritualism in the wind and forest, wooing simply the strangest of men until she realized it was time to settle down.
So she searched high and low, until she found where the rest of her kind of people went, to join the rest of her ilk: transcending upon the celestial realm, she resides among the stars and planets as a constellation overlooking us all. there among the deep sapphire stars and the deepest midnight of the void, she spends her days courted by the comets and her evenings tangoing in the nebulae. she is happy there. And from her lofty perch she can see what you do and who you are. even that freaky shit you do with the dog collar. we love you kelsey.
Hailey Ivey, as interviewed by Bear Duhamel
Hailey Ivey is a creature of the night. The moon guides those that wish to follow her footsteps. It is often said that wherever moonlight shines, she can be found. I guess this is probably also true for the sun? There are spots that channel massive quantities of energy that aid in her design and construction of pillows, bookshelves, and many other countless art installations. A common haunt of Hailey’s would be virtually any cool art boutique on pine street. there is some power fused into the ground near barge canal (definitely not just toxic waste) that heightens creativity within beings committed to the noble crafts. Hailey is often found in the lamp shop, not for any lamp related activities, but on the off chance that the store owners are having some sort of party. Hailey will of course invite you, and if you go, the evening shall be filled with laughs and love, this can be said with absolution.
Another common sighting location would be literally anywhere that can fit a human riding a bike. Many of my years of my life were spent yearning to learn how to ride a bike, and Hailey helped me achieve this dream. She is an experienced Burlington biker, and is a force to be reckoned with while pedaling to wherever destination sings a beckoning call. Notably, a helmet always adorns her head; we love a safe cranium! Common biking pit stops would be Henry St. deli, Williams Hall, and I have no basis for this claim just gut instinct but I feel like the bike path? That seems like a no brainer but once again, total guess.
Wherever Hailey is, give her the road; for you are not in command of it.
Carter Ward, as interviewed by Michael Haydon
After cutting his teeth on his bag, Carter has had it with the grind. He’s lived frugally for five years in order to secure an early retirement in Chicago. There, he has become a vibrant figure in the local rap scene, supporting artists both small and large, never forgetting to shout “fuck Rahm Emmanuel” whenever he gets the chance. There are rumors bubbling from the scene that he may be preparing to release some music of his own, discussing his life and the lessons he learned growing up in Connecticut and Vermont. Carter remains beloved by friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike, as one of the friendliest and kindest people in any circle.
Michael Haydon, as interviewed by Kelsey Deemer
Michael Haydon spent his time directly after UVM painting. He made ugly things, both inside and out, beautiful again. Restored to their full potential. After taking this time to reflect he headed for the coast to look at the ocean for while. He wiggled his toes in the softest sands, collected seashells on the seashore, and watched mornings bloom from nights on his daily sunrise walks on the surf.
In 2027 Michael has not let his English major mind lay to waste. He has kept up on his reading and has enjoyed novels from all the up and coming authors of the late 20’s. He lives in a seaside cottage with a bookshelf adorned with novels gifted to him by various friends and relatives that love him with all their hearts.
He has kept up on his writing too, but denouncing any fame that comes along with it. Because he is wise. Michael has ghost written for thirty publications and studio productions and you’ll never know which ones. So next time you see a skit on twitter, a clickhole headline, a SNL bit, or a Netflix standup special that reminds you of Michael’s essence, remember it could be him all along behind those tickling words.