by danelibler
- Jesus is Condemned to Death
Certain condemnation will be made retrospectively certain following the two Barefoot Rosés he has polished off on the walk down from campus. A bottle nailed to each hand. Jesus walks in the direction of a home somewhere between Pearl Street Bev and Henry St. Deli. The basement to this house will be filled with semi-muscular, semi-intellectual, and all full-blown club sport athletes looking to party one last time before the doors of Howe and Gutterman are closed for the year.
- He is Made to Bear his Cross
The cross he bears tonight is the weight of shame and pity he is collecting. As he is already too drunk to notice he then must carry these feelings on his back until tomorrow morning. And tomorrow when he wake sand wonders why his back hurts so much it will not be from the step basement stairs but from the load of his foolishness that he has made of himself that night.
His drunkenness is not lost on even the most novice athletes in the room. It is evident in the way he is circling the house in search of new stimuli (or perhaps another brew despite his grip on a damp solo cup) and the candidly dumb he is poking his teammates in guts as they walk by. Unfortunately, his motor skills are beginning to lose function as his current open container resembles more of a public pool tide pool then a Vodka fruit punch.
- He Falls for the First Time
The stairs down are a lot steeper than they appear. And even more so when he forgets the weight of his loafers and his feet inside. Jesus forgot to move his feet when descending. But Jesus has been known to make water into wine and is back on his feet swimming in the mass of people in no time. And there, in basement he sees someone he must talk to.
- He Meets His Mother
Early in the season graduating Senior Joseph Ofnazzy took a liking to Jesus. Joseph was the kindest soul both on and off the court and known for his signature long haired feet knuckles that remained visible at all time while playing on the red stone grass. He is morally opposed to the plastic waste of sneakers. He enjoyed imparting the wisdom he’s gained from the past 4 years on the team and often acted like a mother to the freshman class. When Jesus sees Joseph, he is unable to contain his excitement and admiration for his caring field mother. Jesus tramples forward to greet Joseph using couch backs and people’s hair alike to get there.
No one knows for certain, but many theorize that the exertion and washing machine movement that took place within his insides during the trek towards his elder is probably what caused the first upheaval of vomit at the baren feet of Joseph. Not even Jesus’ own mother has peered down on with him such disappointment.
- Simone of Cyrene is Made to Bear the Cross
In executive force an announcement is sounded looking for anyone who lives with the same building as young Jesus.
“YO who here lives in Cyrene on RedStone? Someones gotta take Jesus back to his dorm he is fucked up. He fuckin Yaked on Joseph.”
It is with a righteous and heavy heart that Simone lets it be known that he is of Cyrene. The weight of Jesus rests heavy on his shoulder. Jesus has passed out for the time being on the bathroom floor. Many attempt to kick in as it is the only one available.
- Veronica Wipes Jesus’ Face
To remove his body from the bathroom and transport his body to the uber that’s been called. Three girls all in stature of no less then 5’2 use their immaculate upper body strength to get him to his feet and carry him to the car. Veronica, the girl that Jesus has been pinning for in silence ever since the October regatta in Ithaca stands by the door in shimmering white satin floor length dress. She is an angle, a vision.
Jesus’s mouth is ajar and covered with Grundle pasta from his dinner before. His head hangs just so that as the three relatively short girls pass his mouth is wiped clean on the back of her gown from his red chunky bile. She recoils in disgust. He leaves thinking he may have been lucky enough to be gifted a kiss from her back.
- He Falls the Second Time
The three short women drop Jesus in the grass outside for Simone to deal with. They must go tend to the vomit kissed back of their teammate.
- The Women of Jerusalem Weep Over him
Back on campus Jesus is making his uninhibited state everyone’s problem. The women who live across from Jesus hear him as he makes his way up the stairs to their dorms on the fourth floor. Since the party, he has regained to ability to walk, but not quickly and certainly not quietly. Every Saturday night since the beginning of classes in the Fall these women have hosted their friends to a craft night. Tonight, they planned to paint the bottoms of their feet, lay paper on the floor and have a silent disco party in their dorm.
The moans and laughs of Jesus made dancing like no one was watching nearly impossible. By the time he finally made it to his dorm room the women’s paper was soaked with the tears of their shriveled dreams. The only paint marks on the paper were of the four friends standing and then leaving as they could not stand to listen to his drunk gripping any longer. Also, they were scared that maybe this was the moment that the RA’s warned about when neighbors would come home drunk and enter into rooms that were not theirs. They would come back later when surely Jesus would be dead asleep.
- He Falls the Third time
Finally, Simone leaves Jesus with his stoned roommate. Jesus falls trying to climb on to his god awful, lofted bed. Judas, his roommate laughs and leaves him to chill.
- He is Stripped of his Garments
Jesus has pissed himself unintentionally in the women’s room across the hall thinking that it was the bathroom and his own dorm room simultaneously. He is sprayed with paper spray and the women feel proud to have 1. Stood up for themselves against the aggression of a man and 2. Seen a penis for the first time.
- He is Nailed to the Cross
By some form of a miracle Jesus has gained a second wind and is determined to find Veronica in order to declare his love for her and tell her that the intimate moment they shared between their two bodies was one of the first religious experiences of his life. That before her he had not known whether god were true or fake but through her eyes he has learned faith. What his Judas hears is more of a disheveled running between his bed and Jesus’ while he spews something about her being lesbian for him.
- He is Placed in the Sepulchre [Tomb]
It is finally bedtime for sweet, naïve Jesus. He has fallen asleep on the fuzzy carpet that comprises the majority of his dorm floor. His ass is sticking up and his face is propping it up by laying on his check. His eyes are barley closed but he is asleep for certain.
He will arise in three day’s time if he has any luck and god on his side.
Categories: April 26, around town, dane libler