I’m sure many of us have heard about the Birds Aren’t Real “Conspiracy Theory”. FFS the Times has written a piece about it. The creator was interviewed on the Daily. We can all get a laugh from the mockery of conspiracy theories. But I’m not laughing. Because who cares if birds are real or not? They’re assholes.
So many birds have witnessed violent crimes and done JACK SHIT to intervene. Ummm bystander effect much? I’ve never woken up a bird but they have no issue singing annoying little songs outside my window at 6am. Cock a doodle die bitch!!!!
When I confide in my closest friends of my violent thoughts towards birds, I get no sympathy. They don’t say “I see what you mean, and I also want to pinch their tiny little beaks shut when their melodies pierce my ear before the crack of dawn”, they say things like “what? Birds are so cute/cool/necessary for pollination” or “what’s your goddamn problem, dude?”.
I know I’m not alone in this. I know I wasn’t the only one ecstatic hearing about Sully Sullenberger killing those meddling geese. I shouldn’t have to be ashamed of my fury toward our feathered foes.
Categories: April 26, water cooler