morbius: as told by someone who has never seen it

by emmaburns

An indeterminate amount of months ago, I first laid my eyes on the trailer for Sony’s Morbius. Starring Jared Leto and Matt Smith and featuring impressively bland-looking cinematography, Morbius tells the origin story of a Spider-Man villain who is a vampire, but the big twist in this film is that he is actually the hero. When I watched the trailer, my first and only thought was “wow that looks fucking stupid” and then I literally never thought about it again. At least until the movie was released through which I was forced to confront the abomination head-on. After witnessing a passionate and angry recap of the experience from a soul unlucky enough to have seen Morbius in theaters, I knew that I could not stand idly by. And so as a lover of films, superheroes, and not wasting people’s time, I felt called to provide my thoughts on this stupid fucking movie that I hope to God I never have to see. 

lily jensen

First off, I want to say that Jared Leto sucks. Sucks as a person, and based on his recent stream of performances, sucks as an actor. If you’re going to do all that complicated method acting bullshit the least you could do is make sure that you are also doing your job well. I just know Lee Strasberg rolls over in his grave every time some mentions Leto’s name. In my opinion, this man has the sex appeal of a piece of paper that has been left on the floor of a Staples, so it is truly baffling to me why any casting director looked at him and thought “ah yes, buff hot sexy superhero material right here”. I know how these films work and I am genuinely concerned for all the people that fell for the inevitable shirtless scene meant to inspire lust but most likely lacked any real eroticism (seriously, bring back eroticism to mainstream cinema). Why must we be subjected to a CGI Jared Leto who can control bats? Have we not suffered enough collectively? I have no evidence to back it up but I have a bone-deep feeling that everything bad that has happened since the summer of 2016 is because of Jared Leto’s portrayal of the Joker. We don’t need to see any more of that!

I have to confess that I have seen one clip from Morbius. In it, Matt Smith gets dressed while awkwardly dancing until he suddenly transforms into his vampiric form (which again is one of the worst uses of CGI I have seen in a long time). The experience of viewing that 15-second video was extremely upsetting to me. I could feel cells from my body leaking out of my pores, that’s how badly I was shaken. I have so many questions as to how this movie got made. I would love more than anything to look at the person who thought this film would be a cash cow in the eye and ask them what was going through their head. Or at least ask them why the CGI is so fucking atrocious. Looking at your visuals should not make me want to vomit Mr. Sony man. 

Honestly, if you get anything at all from this, it should be that you should just watch the first Venom movie instead. It also may be bad, but at least it’s kind of fun.

Categories: April 26, emma burns, review

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