live from cat pause, it’s and unhinged threat

by kelseydeemer

After a 2022 poll of UVM undergraduates found that 20% of students have, at one point or another, committed petty crime at Cat Pause, something had to be done. Provost Patricia A. Prelock took it upon herself to stop this virus of theft from plaguing the Dudley H. Davis Center any longer. 

joe brother

With a Microsoft Word document at her disposal she got busy. She started with an eye catching headline. Something big, something brutal, something… biblical. “YES,” Patricia thought, “the ten commandments, that will speak to their pathos.” She started her anti-theft advertisement in block typewriter font “thou shall not steal.” 

“But what if they need another example,” she thought, scratching her holier than though chin. What else could appeal to the UVM population and let them know that stealing is not permitted in Cat Pause. She landed on a shadowy image of a catcher. Like, a baseball catcher. Because catchers are the ones that protect home base from runners who would steal it? But why wouldn’t she have chosen an image of a runner sliding into home base and getting tagged out by the catcher? Maybe she wants us to be the catchers? She wants us to protect our home base, Cat Pause? Did I lose you there? Me too.

Shortly following this image she had space to make a statement. Something jarring, something that will really wake the people up and deter them from stealing that two dollar blueberry muffin. So she cracked her knuckles and composed a threat with elipses. 

“Unless…. You want a record instead.” 

What the fuck. The implication that you will

  1. Accur a criminal record for stealing from Cat Pause
  2. Be kept form graduating for stealing from Cat Pause

is insane.

Save as, save to “job well done” folder, email to with the subject “FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE,” go to bed knowing another day of making her $320,950 salary is done well. 

Categories: April 26, around town, joe bortner, kelsey deemer

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