its time to renounce the minion

by: addisonschwarz

My fellow men, it’s been almost 12 years since it began. No one has had the courage to question it and defy the authorities that be. But that all ends today. I challenge the curse these beings have placed upon us and stand proud to denounce the evil plague that has seeped into the cracks of our society. I ask you today, why are the minions still a thing?

lily jensen

To understand the chokehold the minions have on society we must understand the origins of their rule. It all started with the movie Despicable Me. So innocent, so odd. The family will love this one. Something we can take our 5, 8 and 45 year old to see and everyone might have a good time. Yet the thinly veiled humor did little to cover up the darker message the film promoted. An evil man doing everything in his power to stay evil, being fueled by his yellow sea of demons. I had hope that my brethren would see what I had seen and denounce the atrocities committed in Hollywood that day, but alas. Instead came the quoting, and the parody songs. Entertainers everywhere began slipping a subtle “bah boi” into their routines to receive a little chuckle. So coi, so devious. It feels good to defy god, the first time. 

Then, without the masses realizing, they begin to take over. The minions are on your t-shirts, your backpacks, in every toy aisle, on your cereal boxes, even on school supplies. The very instruments we use to educate our future generations! Their young impressionable minds knew nothing else but banana. Although things looked grim, I held onto my faith. That is, until it struck our elders. 

The ones charged with holding all of our wisdom and raising a successful lineage: brainwashed in the blink of an eye. The minions wormed their way from the young to the screens of the old in an entirely new format. Someone taught them photoshop. Soon screens everywhere flooded with the wretched yellow creatures in their scantily clad overalls. They preached messages of sloth, gluttony, and greed to inoculate the masses and to convince them that being an inferior form of human is ok. Purposely convincing them to stop achieving, to stop advancing our societies and evolving our species. 

They didn’t stop there. The subsequent years were filled with movie after movie detailing their barbaric lifestyle. More and more propaganda pushed onto humanity until everyone was buying into their films. It was no longer just for children. Middle aged women were flocking to the theaters to see the movies on their own! They even went so far as to open a minion headquarters at Universal Studios in Orlando Florida. While most guests took this as some lighthearted fun, I saw it for what it really was. These are the minions in their true form. They are real creatures that have the capability to do unfathomable evil, and they wanted to see how our society would react to their presence. 

Over a decade later and I still have not figured out their goals. All I know is we have reached herd immunity. No corner of the globe is untouched by their three pronged gloved hand. We are all infected, and no one even bats an eye at the yellow men, which is exactly what they wanted. Our world used to be plastered with posters of cats in trees encouraging the viewer to “hang in there!” but now it’s become a place where the complacent employee takes an unauthorized break to scroll through Facebook and read the messages the minions preach of not exercising and eating fries. 

I beg of you my brothers in christ, break the denim shackles they have placed upon you. We have lived in fear for far too long. It is time to rise up and challenge the authority the minions have over our world. Godspeed my friends, godspeed.

Categories: addison schwarz, April 26, reflections

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