how to keep amy schumer away from uvm

by chessgod12from the deep state

                  You heard it here first, folks! There is a menace approaching: a she-devil if you will. Lock your suites and board your windows, comrades, for a blonde bombshell may soon be dropped upon the groovy uv. Beware my fellow catamounts…Amy Schumer is nigh. If you hear cacophonous screeching from a nearby room or catch a glimpse of a yellow-haired woman of average height, run for the hills!

Ultimately, I, chessgod12, have deemed it necessary to inform the public of this looming threat; be careful…she could materialize at any time, eager to spit out a marginally plagiarized joke. So, in the spirit of childhood rituals put on in an effort to procure a snow day, I’ve compiled a sort of instructions manual for what we can do as uvm students to prevent this year’s Oscars host from invading our humble abodes:

  1. Put up a friendly sign

Now, let’s start off with a cordial reminder that Amy is NOT WELCOME on our campus. I propose that, at all entrance points of the city, billboards be constructed in order to ward off an approaching Schumer. These signs will be plastered with messages intended to keep Amy at bay, such as “no jokes to steal here,” and “Schumer?…I hardly know her but hope she leaves.”

  1. Report any suspicious activity

In light of Amy’s impending arrival, we’ve set up resources to alert the proper authorities (me) in order to keep everyone safe. For information, guidance, or to report any suspect blonde ladies, call the 100% toll-free “Banish Schumer” hotline today at 1-800-AMY-STOP!

  1. Take a trip to Jeanne Mance

Bear with me here, this step may invoke a bout of JM-PTSD for some of my fellow catamounts. A necessary evil, I’m afraid, but a surefire way to avoid meeting Amy Schumer is to get covid upon her arrival. From Jeanne Mance’s cursed hollows, the covid baddies should be able to avoid her poorly-timed comedic endeavors.

  1. Construct a nut perimeter around the entirety of Burlington

During my research, I stumbled upon the fact that Amy is allergic to nuts! (Not sure what kind tho, I didn’t look that hard). Similar to how they use salt in The Vampire Diaries, we should establish a border of evenly spaced nuts, alternating between tree nuts and the other kinds to ensure our safety. If the comedienne is attempting to infiltrate the city, her frivolous attempts will surely be nipped in the bud.

  1. Tell her that the Bus Ball is gone, so there’s really no point in coming anyway.

Self-explanatory. RIP Bus Ball. You will live in our hearts forever.

  1. Enlist Tanya Harding

We’ve all heard of her. We all love her. I think that the threat of a good old-fashioned kneecapping may stave Amy off, and who better for the job than Tanya Harding herself <3. Did you hear she won season 16 of Worst Cooks in America: Celebrity Edition? I’m not sure what she’s up to nowadays, but I’d much prefer Tanya around than Miss Schumer.

  1. Invoke the 3rd Amendment

Don’t forget your fundamental rights as a U.S. citizen! According to, the 3rd Amendment “citizens are protected from forceful feeding and accommodating of government troops” (par. 1). While I’m not one for conspiracy theories, I think the case can be made that Schumer may in fact be an agent from the ministry of bad humor. If she rears her head on your doorstep, you are well within your rights to cast her out!

  1. Bring in the ROTC

DEFCON 1! Scatter the F-35s! If we’ve reached this stage, it may already be too late to save our precious campus. If the prophecy is fulfilled and Schumer has breached the city, all students and staff will be directed to the AGR/Theta tunnel for safety. When everyone is secure, we’ll send in the ROTC to carry out their duty. Stand by, my valiant readers, for Amy is coming.  

Categories: April 26

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