how finals will go based on your favorite band

by d.ork

Pink Floyd: Narrative concepts and extreme theatrics define this group of British artists, as well as long running tracks. If you allow yourself to sit through a 20 minute song, then your patience with studying must be adequate. This studying time will pay off, and you might find yourself in a good position this finals week. If you listen to the Floyd, don’t let yourself get dragged down by the stone, just learn to fly.

joe bortner

Radiohead: You fell into a rabbit hole and now you’re as paranoid as an android. This group is known for their gloom and doom, much of what you will feel when you see your grades after finals. Failure is basically inevitable, you’ve exhausted all your life force. There’s no coming back from a phase like this, you are too far gone. Godspeed, you sad human.

Nirvana: Next to the jam band hippie comes the grunge rocker, and the only thing you can think of is the Seattle sound. While you are approaching your judgment day, don’t think of how Cobain ended up, instead think of his journey along the way. If these guys can go this hard, you certainly can. This music is truly full of life, and so are you this May.

Still Woozy: Apparently, you are vibing. You should wake up and get off the floor and walk your way to the lecture hall for this 7:30 am exam because it wasn’t the best idea to stay up until 3 am. My SW knowledge is limited perhaps, but they are woozy for a reason, I imagine. Don’t let yourself be like them.

100 gecs: I was at the show and I know how it is. Your youthful energy and spunk drew you to a sweaty pit at the Higher Ground but it will not drive you to success in May. Time drowned on Tik Tok has lowered your attention span sub goldfish, and now you can’t even sit through a lecture, let alone final exam. Sorry gec squad….

Grateful Dead: You can ask for help but it is very much not on the way. Follow the dancing bear to your dark end. Jerry once said, “I never study. Why waste your time with that when you can Jam!” and then he had a stroke and died. We have all heard ‘Fire on the Mountain’ dozens of times, your ways are getting stale. You have little chance if you don’t even listen to assembled music. No composition, no good grades.

Big Thief: This band always seemed quite Vermont to me. The songs are deep and earthly, and that is the best quality in this section of the world. The environment will compliment you on your service and reward you with good fortune. With two hands and the capacity to learn, you can achieve success, I believe in you. 

Categories: April 26, around town, d.orkin, joe bortner

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