advocats, when will the lies end

By gracejack

Spring has sprung, shorts have come out, finals are upon us, and things are getting strange. In the past week, I have experienced and heard stories of the unthinkable, all occurring as admitted students’ day was approaching and eventually peaked. There is no scientific data correlating the inner-workings of the admissions office and daily life in Burlington, however, an argument could be made that there’s something fishy going on.

If you simply exist on campus any day of the week, then it is quite likely that a tour has encroached on your personal space for an unnecessary length of time. As the semester has progressed, however, they have become more persistent. Sometimes I see a tour within intervals of 2 minutes, and other times there is no interval at all. It is equally concerning when I see the same AdvoCat within the span of an hour. These student employees are overworked and underpaid. The extremely fascinating aspect of their work is not their camp-counselor-like enthusiasm, but rather their ability to lie on a whim. If you stopped to listen to their pitched up spiels, you’d hear the most outlandish stories and ask yourself “are they talking about uvm, or somewhere else?”. AdvoCats are trained to spew falsehoods to the impressionable families touring this heinous college. I do want to state that this is not their fault. The lies have been passed down through generations of AdvoCats. There is an alternative source. 

I have reason to believe that UVM’s AdvoCats are mere puppets in a much greater pyramid scheme. I understand that news like this can be quite disheartening, especially if you or a loved one are an AdvoCat. I want to take this time to highlight the wrongdoings of the admissions office and offer support to those suffering with the disease that plagues all AdvoCats: Pathological Lying. Moreover, I would like to emphasize what these lies are doing to the greater Burlington community, and encourage you, reader, to be a part of the movement to stop the AdvoCats once and for all. 

The lies used to be harmless. It would be silly comments such as “I rented a Go-Pro from the Media Desk” or “If you throw in a wink at Green Roof they will give you extra fries”. With time, however, the lies have escalated. Last week, by the Circ desk in Howe, an AdvoCat said, “Their motto is, if you return it undamaged, it’s completely free”! Firstly, sir, it is a library. That is how libraries work. Secondly, I don’t think the Circ desk has a motto, and if they did, it would not be that. They claim that the Media Desk’s DVD collection is from Blockbuster after the store closed. That there’s dogs hanging out in the Davis Center waiting to be pet. That Central will become prospective student’s favorite rustic-style restaurant. That Redstone is a 5 minute walk from classes. And just so many more ridiculous statements.

As the lies have surged, things in Burlington have begun to spiral. Masks became optional. There was a shooting in the parking garage. The Pie statue was attacked & somehow restored. Two floors of UHeights South Flooded. I saw a man casually biking with an assault rifle on his back! WRUV stopped playing music for an entire day. The bus ball was removed. Also did I mention that it snowed MID-APRIL?! 

I’m not saying that the AdvoCats are to blame, but I will note that when Pinnochio lies his nose gets longer. Maybe when AdvoCats lie, we suffer. Just maybe. 

Categories: April 26, around town, grace jack

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