a report from the bus ball vigil

by b.s.

April 24, 2022. 13:45. 13 hours after Bus Ball Vigil.

The absence of Lars Fisk’s monster has been felt by students for nearly one week now. For a full background on the Bus Ball’s departure, please refer to page 6. 

Students from all backgrounds rallied to remember the Base Ball on the slope outside Marsh Life Science. When I arrived to report on this event, four students were taking turns doing somersaults into the road. Grief manifests in mysterious ways. The event is rumored to have been organized by the Timber Sp*rts club, and for their safety I have censored their full name. The Bussy Ball vigil drew hoards of Wellness students (up past their bedtimes with written permission from Big Man), bus drivers from around the country, students who still hadn’t left Central Campus since Spring Fest ended eight hours earlier, and an eclectic mix of vigil enthusiasts. Two police officers stood at a distance from the event, perhaps because there were open flames, perhaps because there was a crowd of more than 100 people, or perhaps because they were just really shy. A tall man began the vigil, thanking everyone for coming to celebrate the time that Basket Ball was firmly planted on UVM’s lawn. After every word uttered by the presumed priest, the crowd either cheered, booed, or whispered a solemn amen. A particular touching quote is as follows:

Priest: “we are attending college”

Crowd: “amen”

The weather was dry and fertile. One older gentleman began to whisper to me “they’re in the trees, they’re in the trees”. At first I passed his mutterings as classic Vietnam flashbacks, but on closer inspection, he was fucking right. Half a dozen trumpeters were perched in the trees above the vigil. Taps were played for Bass Ball, and everyone kissed the person directly to the left and right of them on the mouth, with tongue. 

The vigil site was beautiful, complete with a Rubbermaid headstone. Offerings were left, a handful of drawings of Butt Ball, a “This Car Climbed Mt Washington” bumper sticker, thirty some odd candles, Cats at the Movies tickets, Carmex, cash, packets of soy sauce, protest signs that read: NOT BUSSIN, and BUS BALL > PI STATUE, a bong. A bright white light shone from the heavens, directly to the site, and as it faded all the offerings had vanished. Bus Ball had accepted our gifts. 

Mourners passed the flame from one candle to the next, everyone holding a single candle in memory of the Buff Ball. Some lit their joints with the same flame, others lit their friends. No serious injuries were sustained. 

The vigil ended with a poignant chanting of “balls, balls, balls”. In lieu of Amazing Grace, the party crowd sang “The Wheels on the Bus”. 

Half of this article is almost true, most is not. I didn’t actually attend. Too sad. For any corrections please email president@uvm.edu.

Categories: April 26, b.s., side bar

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