what is I had stilts?

by patrickscheen

Everyone hates slow walkers. I do too. They are the bane of my existence—the scourge of this campus. Every day I look up to the heavens and pray that people will pick up the fucking pace…but to no avail… my divine wishes are never answered. In the absence of God, however, I had to come up with my own solution. STILTS. Yes, that’s right, stilts. 

Dating back to the 6th century BC (Wikipedia par. 12), stilts have served a revolutionary purpose throughout history. I mean, where would we be if Lewis & Clarke hadn’t used stilts to cross the Grand Canyon? Exactly…we would be nowhere. Ergo, I believe without a doubt that stilts would be revolutionary navigating our very own crosswalks about the University of Vermont campus. 

Now, we’ve all experienced those dreadful moments waiting for the crosswalk man to appear on the sign across the way. It’s humiliating, deciding whether or not to take out your phone for a quick glance at twitter, only to close the app milliseconds after you’re opened it.

            “Don’t make unnecessary journeys. Don’t take risks on treacherous roads. And don’t swim in the sea.” These words from a popular Tik-Tok audio ring true as advice for the brave souls that were forced to take an 8:30 class during winter. Instead of facing a so-called treacherous walk, you’ve found your saving grace in this winter hellscape. 

Stilts. Instead of facing mobs of students at the intersection of Main Street and University Heights (probably the second worst designed intersection in Burlington), you only have the mere task of stilting two steps to get to the other side of the forbidden passageway. That little orange/red hand telling you to halt has nothing on you. 

You need not halt! Using your towering stilts, you’re now elevated enough to stomp over the ants hopelessly meandering for approximately 17 seconds, delayed for their precious morning class. For certain lingering passers-by, they may have the rude awakening of getting stilted on (trade-marked) at the brink of dawn. Now, after leaving your dorm at a late 8:19, you arrive to class at 8:24, only having taken what…32 steps in total to get across campus. 

Level with me here, let’s look at another idea: TSA Precheck but for stilts. After leaving the library in the late afternoon, you encounter a long ass line (or a “queue” for my British audience) at central dining. We’ve all experienced these utterly earth-shattering revelations. NO FEAR! STILTS ARE HERE! You could easily stride to the front and stow your stilts when you enter the fine eating establishment. After all, no one is gonna stop you when you have motherfucking stilts. Heck, with this simple contraption of two poles, you could ascend the fortress of the Redstone water tower in one fell swoop. Let’s face it, stilts are the future. No slow walkers…no crosswalk dilly-dallying…no arriving to class sweaty, rushed, and tardy. Instead, I choose stilts. And you should too. Elevate, UVM, elevate.

Categories: April 12, Patrick scheen, water cooler

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