top five ænglish words

by mollydever

I am sick and tired of the same stupid normal words that I use every day. I am sick of my friends using boring modern slang and typical teenage vernacular. To be honest, the only fun word I have left is WAP. I have decided that from this day forward, I will be speaking 

like an old Victorian gentleman. Here are the top five words that I will henceforth be using. 

1. Egg (but like as an insult) 

I don’t know why we ever got rid of this one. If somebody called me an egg it would absolutely decimate my self esteem. I’m about to be a complete menace with this word, nobody is safe. I think my friends are gonna love it. 

2. Britches 

I have already been using this one a lot. Pants is by far the most boring word for pants that we’ve ever come up with. Using this word is sure to add a little bit of fun and sexy spice into any conversation you may be having about pants (which, if you’re like me, is a lot of conversations). 

3. Harlot 

This is by far the most elegant way to say slut. It feels like a word that your grandma would use for her friend Evie’s bitch of a granddaughter. It really cuts deep. If you’re gonna be slut shaming somebody, at least be classy about it and call them a harlot. 

4. hitherto

I just think that we should be using some more creative conjunctions. I will also be using words like heretofore and henceforth. Just to keep people on their toes. 

5. Mollywhop 

The other day, I was walking to class and got absolutely mollywhopped by a branch that came out of nowhere. There is no better word to describe this scenario than mollywhop. That word delivers such a punch (literally) that I have really been lacking in my vernacular lately. It’s also a great threat, for the next time somebody crosses me. 


I have become bored with my everyday life. Everything I do is too normal and the people around me are having too easy of a time dealing with me. I want to change things up, but my therapist is gonna be mad at me if I dye my hair or flee the country again. I’ve decided that I’m just gonna become a little bit weirder and a little bit more insufferable to be around. Here are the top 15 ways that you too can become stranger and a little bit worse as a person. 

1: Run with your arms glued perfectly to your sides. 

2: Start saying “Holy, shit, Tiffany! Haven’t seen you in forever!” at random strangers until you finally meet a Tiffany. When you do, it’ll really fuck her up. 3: Wave hello to people with your hand in a really tight fist.

4: Just start making noises. You are literally allowed to make whatever noise you want in any setting and nobody can stop you. 

5: Next time somebody shakes your hand, grab their thumb and hold onto it for just a little too long. 

6: Face the back wall in the elevator. Talk to the other people like nothing is weird and walk backwards out of it. 

7: Start using old timey words for things. My go-to is gonna be britches. 8: Commit a crime. 

9: Steal the seagulls from the Waterfront. 

10: Loudly announce that you’re “taking the Browns to the Superbowl” every time you have to take a dump. 

11: Tell everybody that you’re 43rd in line for the English throne. Nobody can prove you wrong but they’re gonna have a horrible time trying. 

12: Next time you’re riding in the passenger seat, put your friend’s car in reverse without telling them. 

13: Drink the bong water after you finish the bowl. 

14: Refuse to eat with any other cutlery except sporks. 

15: Start introducing people with the wrong names and just see how they choose to deal with it. 

And there you have it. 15 surefire ways to make your life a little bit more fun while also becoming slightly miserable to be around.

Categories: April 12, review

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