It’s a shocking opinion to have here in the alleged band’s birthplace of Burlington, Vermont, where jam bands and their lifestyle have had a stranglehold on the town’s culture for years. But that’s not going to stop me from saying what needs to be said, the worst thing that I could go through is when I’m subjected to a “nah man you gotta listen to this song bro” or two. This isn’t just another “Phish is objectively bad music” article. No, we’re way past that.
Initially I wanted to argue that Phish Isn’t Real, period, but much to my chagrin Trey Anastasio and company are real people. So, I’ll settle by plainly stating that Phish isn’t a real band. First of all, all their music literally sounds the same. This is a common theme in jam bands, but when I say that Phish songs are literally indistinguishable, I mean it. Have I actually sat down and listened to their music? No. Will I do so in order to further my argument? No. Will this possibly be detrimental to the credibility of this article? Yes.
The band is known more for their live performances than any album or single they’ve put out, sounds to me like they just get up on stage and do modal stuff in rhythm with each other, which is clearly a lot of people’s cup of tea, but I wouldn’t call it band-worthy. Though what I’m about to say next can just be viewed as a conspiracy theory, it could also be argued that Phish is just a front for the Nitrous Mafia, a gang that’s known for handing out whippets at music festivals in New England and especially at Phish shows. Their presence is almost immediately identifiable by the sounds of balloons being deflated, sometimes hard to hear over the sound of an eight minute, painfully pentatonic guitar solo.
The ring is known to pull in significant amounts of money per show, possibly to account for Anastasio’s horrid attempts at real estate. I believe firmly that anyone is entitled to listen to whatever music they want, no matter how out there it is. I’m even a supporter of bad music when done right, the final countdown, Ob-la-di Ob-la-da, sound of silence, you get it. But Phish and all its members can make like a fish and swim on out of my realm of consciousness for all I care. I refuse to acknowledge them as a band.