by joebortner
It might not be apparent from the outside, but I’m something of a Pokémon expert. If you give me approximately 12 hours, I will be able to recite the names of every Pokémon from memory (in roughly chronological order). Don’t believe me? There are at least two students on campus who have seen me do it. I challenge you to find them.
The fact of the matter is that most Pokémon are graphically-perfect creatures: if you asked ten illustrators to rate “Pikachu” on a five-star scale, they would all give him six stars. It’s just the truth. Furthermore, most people alive on the planet Earth today have given at least minor consideration to the franchise’s most fundamental question: “What’s your favorite Pokémon?” Personally speaking, I am ride-or-die for Treecko. It wouldn’t be disingenuous to say that I like the Pokémon Treecko more than I like some real-life family members.
Of course, the Pokémon franchise hides another, more sinister truth: some Pokémon stink donkey butt. Some Pokémon are degenerate. Even worse: some Pokémon appear to have been illustrated by degenerates. Take, for example, Jynx–Jynx is just racist. Jynx is horrible. I’d be happy if I never had to look at a Jynx again.
Unfortunately for all of us, however, Jynx has existed for over 25 years–I was exposed to it at a young age, and it’s thus earned a probably permanent place in my brain matter. For years, the Pokémon Company has carefully avoided making any creature quite as offensive to all of the senses as Jynx. Recently, however, a brand-new degenerate monster might have finally come close to topping it at the height of my personal mountain of garbage. Its name is Enamorus.
I refuse to show you a picture of Enamorus in this article, for two reasons: 1) I personally do not enjoy looking at it, and 2) I believe that including an image of Enamorus would create an unsafe working environment for the people who print the physical copies of The Watertower. While I don’t support the activity of seeking out a picture of this awful creature, I assure you that you’re fully capable of finding one on your nearest search engine.
Visually, Enamorus represents what I believe is the closest a Pokémon has ever come to being inappropriate for children. While I don’t think there’s a being alive who would consider Enamorus “sexy”, there’s an undeniable (and uncomfortable) sexual energy to its appearance. Enamorus sits atop a cloud, with its upper body resembling the torso of a human, if a human were colored bright pink. Wrapped around its torso is a gray snake coated in a pattern of hearts–I’m unclear on if this snake is supposed to be a separate entity from the main creature, but I don’t like either option. Finally, Enamorus’s face is its most unsettling attribute. It’s a visage that lives in my nightmares, and one I don’t feel comfortable relaying to you in detail.
While Enamorus is terrifying, I think it would be dangerous to consider it an anomaly. There is a Pokémon designer out there who consciously created Enamorus. For years, this person must have worked their way to the highest levels of the Nintendo corporation, all for the sake of finally polluting this beloved franchise with their monster filth. Why should we be naive enough to assume that they would only commit such a crime once? We can only hope they’re stopped–before it’s too late.
Categories: christina corea, joe bortner, mar 1, review