The 2022 Oscar Nominations are in, and this year’s ceremony is going to be the most thrilling one yet! The show will broadcast live Sunday March 27 on ABC, and will feature exclusive performances including Kirsten Dunst poorly playing the piano until she inevitably bursts into tears, and the three Haim sisters braiding each other’s hair in perfect synchronicity. Unfortunately this year’s broadcast will not include a host, as many members of the Academy are still in intensive therapy after the Kevin Hart Debacle of 2019. Though many alternate ideas have been thrown around in the last three years, the Dark Lords of the HFPA have held strong in their host embargo. No one, after all, is uncancellable.
Despite the immense difficulties of producing films during an international pandemic, no one can deny that in the past year, movies were released. Whether many of us were willing to risk our physical health and safety in order to go see them at our local failing movie theaters, who can say. But for one glamorous night in one of the most depressing months of the calendar year, we can all forget the ongoing public health crisis which terrorizes our every thought, and simply admire the most beautiful and ridiculous people in the world as they fight to the death for little golden statues of a man named Oscar. Read on for some of the highlights of the 2022 Academy Award nominations:
Jane Campion’s The Power of the Dog led the competition with 12 nominations, which marks the first time many Americans have thought of Jane Campion since 1993. The film’s star, Benedict Cumberbatch, was nominated for Most Oblong Ass, which, as everyone knows, is one of the most highly sought after awards in the entire ceremony.
Famed auteur and notoriously horrible ex-boyfriend of Fiona Apple Paul Thomas Anderson received acclaim this year for his newest picture, Licorice Pizza, a visually exciting bildungsroman which demonstrates to its audience that sometimes 26 year old girls are huge losers and that’s okay! Anderson, in his 12th Academy Award nomination, is nominated for Making Running Look Cool And Fun. But don’t worry, he won’t win this one either.
For his work on Belfast, based on his own childhood in 1960s Northern Ireland, Kenneth Branaugh is nominated for the Head Most Up His Own Ass award. This year’s recognition marks Branaugh’s eighteenth consecutive nomination for this award. On top of his autobiographical picture, Branaugh also directed an adaptation of Agatha Christie’s Death On The Nile, proving the old adage that it is never a bad idea to let a random guy interpret prolific female writers of the past.
There were many crowd favorites at the movies this year, for people whose philosophy on cinema is “Well, I have nothing better to do.” Lin Manuel Miranda’s tick, tick…BOOM! attracted theater lovers and recovering Hamilton addicts. For his starring role in the musical, Andrew Garfield is nominated for Wait, That Man Was A Heterosexual? Denis Villeneuve’s Dune was another crowd favorite, wetting the dicks of every dude who has ever pretended to understand Philip K. Dick novels, and also somehow getting away with giving Timothee Chalamet the name “Paul”. Villeneueve’s visually stunning epic is nominated for Most Sand. And we’re fairly positive he’s got that one in the bag.