Hello fellow brush-aholics! Thanks for tuning back into everyone’s favorite page-turning dental review blog! Today I will be reviewing the Sensodyne Pronamel Enamel Repair Whitening Toothpaste in the flavor Arctic Breeze. This is a very special occasion because I only run out of toothpaste about every 255 days, so these reviews are a rarity!
Today we have a fun and exciting community update: long time blogger Jeremy has just received his “Dentist’s Recommend” license. For all you newbies out there, this means he gets to fill out the powerful survey which contributes to the “_/10 dentists recommend” number, but as an impartial third party. There’s some sweet insider secrets for you! Anyways, let’s get to that review!
Background: Purchased at Target for $6.49. I tried the toothpaste everyday for a week and then chronicled my thoughts here.
Day 1: Initial reaction is that I…don’t like it that much. It tastes like mint toothpaste, but with a little extra scent in there. I think it is aptly named. It’s an arctic tundra, but for some reason there are still some random trees and flora in the area. It feels cool and minty, but the scent of the trees wafts in there too. But I will give it some more time; it probably just needs an adjustment period.
Day 2: I had to interrupt my usual habit of brushing for a full two minutes because the toothpaste, unlike most, wouldn’t stop foaming inside my mouth and the scent started to overtake my every sense. I tapped out at 1 min 39 seconds because I thought I couldn’t breathe. I’m sure this was partly user error, and I will make sure to use less next time.
Day 3: I’m still not adjusted to this new flavor. I started gagging horrifically halfway through because all the “arctic” scent was gone and all that was left was the “breeze.” It tasted of a Macy’s perfume. I thought of my Aunt Muriel.
Day 4: I’m really struggling to find something positive to say. My roommate informed me halfway through my teeth brushing that she accidentally spilled the poo-pourri on our toothbrushes minutes before and hadn’t rinsed them off yet. I did not notice because it tasted exactly the same as the perfumey toothpaste. I had to call poison control.
Day 5: GENUINELY WHAT THE FUCK. IT TASTES LIKE MY AUNT MURIEL GARGLED HER FUCKING PERFUME IN HER MOUTH AND SPAT INTO THE TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE. I’VE NEVER SEEN AN EPISODE OF CARE BEARS IN MY LIFE BUT I KNOW THIS IS WHAT INHALING A PAPER BAG FULL OF CARE BEAR FARTS WOULD FEEL LIKE. CARE-BEAR TOOT-PASTE.
Day 6: I apologize for my lack of formality in the last entry. I was feeling overwhelmed and should have been more professional, as I am a reputable toothpaste reviewer. It is definitely a bit perfumey and leaves a weird taste in my mouth that lingers for a few hours, but it’s just toothpaste. How bad can it really be?
Day 7: FUCK THIS TOOTHPASTE. I WOULD RATHER BRUSH MY TEETH WITH CAT PISS. AND I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT BECAUSE WHEN I WAS A CHILD MY CAT PISSED ON MY TOOTHBRUSH AND I DIDN’T KNOW UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE. IT TASTED BETTER THAN THIS TOOTHPASTE. AT LEAST URINE HAS SOME NATURAL UNDERTONES IN IT. I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY MADE THIS TASTE LIKE HOW A GALLON BUCKET OF PINK GLITTERY SLIME SMELLS. THIS HAS RUINED ME AND MY LIFE. FUCK ARCTIC BREEZE SENSODYNE. THIS IS MY FORMAL RETIREMENT FROM THE TOOTHPASTE GAME.
Categories: feb 8, reflections