my burlington bar hypotheses

by  salivapussyeyes

I entered my twenty-first year very recently, and with the recent wave of covid, have yet to visit any of the neighborhood bars. Though I have not yet tested out the Burlington flavor, I have a couple of theories about what’s what, most of which are based on local lore delivered to me by my friends and closest confidants. Below are my hypotheses about Burlington bars, let’s hope I have the chance to conduct the proper research and confirm my theories. 

  1. Three Needs

This is where Burlington Twitter meets Burlington IRL, and that’s honestly a dream come true. Can you think of a better dive bar in which to view the comingling of crusty forty-year-olds alongside mid-twenties Twitter queers? I certainly can’t.

  1. Lincoln’s

This is the Best Burlington Bar, and not just because every drink costs $5 but is strong as a punch to the face. Add that to the standup comedy performances they do on Tuesday and the chili-mac, and you’ve got yourself one of the grandest bars in the northeast. 

  1. Ake’s Place

Bad vibes. Scary vibes. Frat boy challenging you to a game of darts vibes. The lurking fear of hearing something about “inflation” or “NFTs.”

  1. Red Square

It’s kinda funny that Red Square and Ake’s are right next to each other; it sets up the hilarious dynamic of frat boy/sorority girl. Scary in different ways, y’know? 

  1. Wallflower Collective

I always hear that the vibe is great but the drinks are expensive. Millennials love it, but it’s not quite cheugy. 

  1. What Ales You?

It’s underground, and that gives us at the Water Tower reason to believe that it is a fifty-mile-long subway corridor. This is how they hide all of the underaged patrons. 

  1. Nectar’s

Great for live music and interactions with people who are probably dads. Dead Set is, of course, their beguiling trap. I always tell myself that I’ll ionly stay for first set, but before I know it, the music is coming to a grinding halt and it’s two am. Time isn’t real during Dead Set.

  1. The Archives

The barcade. Drinks cost a pretty penny, but it’ll all be worth it if you kick enough ass playing Miss Pacman. After that, take a spin on the Addams Family Pinball Machine. Did you know Uncle Fester’s head will light up oif you hit it? Or so I’ve heard. 

  1. McKee’s Pub & Grill

This dive bar let my friend Henry use their bathroom once at 11am on a Wednesday, and that was pretty nice of them. There was one employee in there, Henry reports that they seemed nice. Thanks, McKee’s!

  1. The Old North Ender

The outside is scary to everyone. But nobody knows fear like a femme person passing by this bar on a summer’s day. On the inside, the walls are covered in license plates and men in red hats. I shudder to think of what goes on behind the door of this place. 

So the next time that you and your motley crew are embarking on a tour des discotheques, consider the lore surrounding your local watering hole.

Categories: around town, feb 8, saliva pussy-eyes

%d bloggers like this: