by b.s.

I started playing Minecraft in 2012 on an iPod 4. My iPod used to get so hot it burned my hands, and I have the scars to prove it, Mojang branding. I have been a dedicated iOS Minecraft player for the last decade, but on the advent of the lord’s year, 2022, I made the switch from PE to Java. This required the use of a mouse, what is a mouse if not for his mouse pad. Below I will explore the various items used in lieu of the traditional rubber flank. 

Thigh

This technique is recommended for the naked gamer. It’s not mandatory that one shaves their thigh for this, but depending on your game play style you may prefer a smooth thigh. Hair MAY get caught in the scanning crevice of the mouse, but that’s par for the course as the naked gamer. 

Book

This technique is recommended for the studious gamer. Hardcover books are arguably better for this technique but in a pinch a paperback could work as well. For the Gen Z gamer a Kindle Paperwhite is also recommended, with a 6.8” display to move your mouse across. 

Phone

This technique is not recommended for any gamer. The standard smartphone display is not suitable for a mouse. Simply not enough room to move a mouse front to back and left to right. An iPad is more than enough room to use as a mousepad, but at that point if you have a an iPad you have a big enough display to just play Minecraft PE.

Stomach

This technique is not recommended for any gamer. The divot of a belly button is not conducive to mouse movement. Two ways this could go wrong, a crater of a belly button swallowing your mouse whole, or an out-y, serving as a roadblock to any and all game play. 

Adjacent surface to bed

This technique is recommended for the double jointed gamer.  Elevated night table while lying in bed? No problem. Your wrist will get sore, sure, but it looks funny as fuck if you take a panorama of a your gaming set up. 

Palm

This technique is recommended for the innovative gamer. For gaming on the move, in the likely case that you are not using a laptop but instead using a monitor, bluetooth keyboard, and bluetooth mouse, the palm of your hand is more than suitable for gaming.

Left breast

This technique is recommended for the masochistic gamer. You may think “no way will I get my nipple caught in the sensor on the bottom of the mouse!” but you are wrong. So very wrong. You will catch your nipple. It will bleed. It may even come clean off. 

All in all, you do NOT need a mousepad to properly game. A true gamer knows that gaming extends far beyond the desk. Gaming belongs in the kitchen, the classroom, the bedroom, and the bathroom. Gaming belongs at family dinners, first dates, and doctor’s appointments. A true gamer is a versatile gamer.

Categories: b.s., feb 8, review, samantha stillman