By eminem

It’s old news that Tucker Carlson is an idiot. From racism to misogyny, homophobia to the dismissal of pedophilia, Carlson spouts factless word vomit into the void via the Fox News program. However, recently, he has made a claim that has taken people by storm: He does not want to fuck the M&M’s… anymore.

M&M’s decided to change up the designs of its beloved (I guess) mascots to be more “inclusive” and to take steps “to creating a world where everyone feels like they belong and society is accepting” (well, except for their child labor slaves that they use in the cocoa industry, for which they are now being sued). For instance, the green M&M’s slender legs were changed and her high heel boots were traded in for comfortable “empowering” sneakers. The brown M&M had her heels shortened. The orange M&M will be learning to “tackle his anxiety”. The red M&M will be less “bossy” and will be “kinder to his friends.” 

Tucker Carlson asserted that with these changes, the M&M’s (specifically, the green one), are now unfuckable. First of all, I doubt the M&M’s would consent to sex with him, pre or post changes. Second of all, why do these changes disable your gravy maker? Does a person need to have high heels or anxiety for you to want to lust and thrust? Does the presence of comfortable shoes lower your flag pole? Do you need a red M&M to harass you to release your bro-gurt? If so, I feel like I have the god-given right to kink shame you. 

Look- if there is a consenting(!!) hole, there is a goal. Going down on an M&M gives ‘eating out’ a new meaning. Comfier shoes? More positions! Less anxiety? Room to get freakier! Less bossy? Frankly, gaslighting is not very seductive. If anything, these changes make the M&M’s MORE fuckable! Tucker’s ridiculous claim is just further proof of his willingness to abandon the truth for Fox’s agenda.

In short, the M&M’s are plenty fuckworthy. If you want to make fun of M&M’s, don’t do it for wanting to be inclusive! Do it for their usage of child labor, their banned status in Sweden, their use of amaranth. Make fun of how they sold the green M&M as an aphrodisiac, how people were harassed for misplacing the ‘m’ on the candy, how one of the candy’s founders was kicked out of the business by a greedy dick for more money, or simply how they are mid. The point is that it is important that “the media” scrutinize coroporate activity, especially that of Mars inc. given their terrible track record. But when you rant about how soft the M&m new ad campaign makes you, you are not scrutinizing their corporate activity, you are distracting everyone else from it.

Categories: feb 8, water cooler