jebus died for our sims

by elizaligon

I started playing the Sims a few weeks ago. Did y’all know about this? The first game in the series came out in 2000. I’m obsessed; it all started when my roommate Freddie told me that he could provide me with access to the game through his stepfather’s Origin account. (Shoutout to Umesh, the realest of them all!)  Freddie has been coaching me through the early developments of my Sim-fatuation; he’s been guiding me through the processes of building walls, providing me with cheats, and offering important insights. In many ways, it has made us even better roommates. Now, we are often found sitting in the same room, Simming as we watch TV. We have never been closer.

Sam Stillman

My first game entailed a punk lesbian couple living in a Victorian mansion in a vampire-inhabited town. Off to a good start, but I quickly realized my hubristic mistake in beginning my journey with such a large house. The couple was simply not prepared for how much space they had, and they were DINKs (Dual Income, No Kids) so they really didn’t need a house that big. Learning from my mistakes, I moved on to construct my next lesbian couple. 

With the errors of my past in mind, I embarked upon a new journey. This time, a punk lesbian couple in a totally cottagecore setting. For lot challenges, I applied “Simple Living.” With this challenge, the Sims have to grow their own food or purchase the ingredients at a shop in town. One of my Sims loves all creatures– big and small, and anything in between. She takes care of the bees, the crops, the chickens, and the cow. Her wife is a spellcaster and woodworker; she likes to play chess in her spare time. Together, they have two children– an older daughter (now in her teens) and a younger son (still a child). The teenage daughter was adopted during infancy, but the son was delivered via wishing well during his toddlerhood. Honestly, these Sims live the perfect life: never forced to leave the house, never clocking into a job, the loving embrace of someone covered in dirt, a pretty garden, chickens. 

The Sims’ only shortcoming is a complete lack of gay art (or Gart, if you will). This is an irreparable flaw; nothing can replace Gart. I mean, really– when was the last time that anyone made a heterosexual couple in a game of the Sims? Why are there so many pieces about straight couples? Let it be known: Sims audiences want GART. If the Sims had more Gart to offer, I suspect that their interest rate would increase tenfold. 

“Whims are things your Sims want to do, but you don’t have to!” So true bestie. In many ways, whims are representative of the opportunities that life presents to the average person, and the small-scale decisions which come to form the very lives which we live. This game allows its players to develop an appreciation for the simple things in life (especially if they’re using the Simple Living lot challenge). In short, the Sims is an online vehicle through which to improve your connections with the real world. You don’t need to touch grass, your Sim can do it for you! With the Sims, you get all of the joy of living the perfect life, without any of the trouble of having to interact with real humans or real environments. Stress-free living is online– the wave of the future is now! 

Categories: cooler, eliza ligon, feb 8, samantha stillman

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