guide to owning a car in vermont (from a non-car owner)

by d.orikin

This winter, UVM students are struggling with their trip to classes due to the extreme cold temperatures and the consistent level of snow that proceeds to renew itself every few days. For the lucky ones that are car owners, this journey might be made a little easier, but car ownership in Vermont is not without its challenges. Here are some tips to help you manage that white stuff and what it does to your vehicle. And if you’re wondering, no I do not have a car nor have I ever had a car. These tips have not been tested.

eden ambrovich

Tip #1: It’s OK if some windows are completely blocked with snow.

The only part of the road that matters is what appears right in front of you. Most Vermont drivers seem to drive like they are completely blind anyway, so having at least a sliver of visual information would put you above the rest. What do you think truck drivers do? Your professors this semester are stingy about tardiness, so don’t go wasting time on laboriously brushing and scraping piles of snow off your shitty car.

Tip #2: Leave your car on to keep it warm.

Have you ever gotten back to your vehicle from a long day and the car was too cold to bear? If you leave your car on after you get out, it will stay warm for the entire day. Also, passing pedestrians will be under the impression that someone is inside the vehicle, and will be less inclined to attempt to steal. I call that two birds with one snow ball.

Tip #3: Black Ice? More like relax, nice!

These thin sheets of ice known as “Black Ice” or “Clear Ice” will be everywhere if the conditions are right. When you notice your tires sliding, you have to floor it. It sounds wrong, because you might slide off the road, and that’s true, but, the faster you slide over, the sooner your back on the road. You can thank me later.

Tip #4: Two-Wheel drive always.

Vermont is known for its sufficient plowing. I personally have been almost plowed off the sidewalk countless times. That is actually true, they do not stop for anything. Because of this, if your car is four wheel drive enabled, turn that off because its stupid and for losers. We cruise in two wheel here.

Tip #5: Nighttime active snowfall speed racing.

This is a little bonus tip for all you crazy snow sport kids. The best time for a joyride is during those cozy winter nights when the snow is falling and the road is pitch black. Put on a Christmas tune to get the mood going, and cruise into the oblivion. If you go fast enough, it looks like your in star wars when they go to hyper speed. May the force be with you.

Categories: around town, d.orkin, eden ambrovich, feb 8

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