by lucypowell

Maybe I was zoned out or missed class one day, but I don’t remember learning how hot sauce can be used as a contraceptive in health class. I didn’t even know this was a thing until I read the media headlines that Drake was being sued by some Instagram model for doing exactly this. Now don’t fret! Drake did not put hot sauce in the condom before having sex, he put it in after in hopes it would kill the sperm inside. You’re probably wondering, “Why is Drake getting sued then… like it’s definitely weird but…. Why?” Well, to my surprise, the woman Drake had relations with removed the condom (containing the hot sauce) from the trash can and tried to put it back inside of her, in hopes of conceiving a child with Drake. If this isn’t fan behavior, I don’t know what is! 

There are so many questions I have in regards to this situation- Was it premeditated? Did Drake pack the hot sauce knowing he was going to dispose of his condom in this way? If he was so concerned with killing the sperm, why didn’t he bring spermicide? Was this a last minute idea and he only had hot sauce on him? Who just carries hot sauce around with them? Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever receive an answer to most of these questions, so for now I have composed a list of ways I think Drake could dispose of his used condoms in the future:

1. Flush it. I understand that you are not supposed to flush condoms down the toilet but sometimes it’s the only available measure. You just have to make sure the toilet doesn’t clog after!
2. Hold it in. I mean how hard can it be! If he just makes sure he’s really focusing when he climaxes, I think he should be able to just stop. 
3. Literally just pocket it. Gross, but effective. 
4. Bring a decoy condom that’s filled with icing. Get this. As Drake arrives at the “place of conception”, he should excuse himself to the bathroom to freshen up. Upon entering the bathroom, he should remove his sock and place the decoy condom/icing into it (the sock will keep the icing warm, making it more realistic). Once the deed has been done, Drake will bring the real condom to the bathroom and place the decoy in the trash can and leave the real one in his sock, he will then put the sock on and leave the scene. 
5. Swallow it. We’ve all been there and we’ve all done it. Condom and all. Risky and possibly dangerous, but leaves nothing behind. 
6. In my experience, I have found that most bathrooms are equipped with at least one window. With this assumption in mind, Drake could toss the used condom out of the window (praying for any passerbys below). Obviously, because littering is bad, Drake would retrieve the used condom and dispose of it in a trash can. Easy. 

Personally, I feel as though hot sauce is only the answer if you’re engaging in intercourse in a Taco Bell bathroom. So if that’s you, be my guest! Use as much hot sauce as you want, but otherwise I wouldn’t advise it.

Categories: feb 8, lucy powell, news