by hanspooter
Recently, in my sustainability class, we learned about the environmental impact of toilet paper. Did you know that americans use over 10,000 tons of toilet paper everyday? That’s a shitload. So, as a frequent pooper and Grundle regular, and in an effort to be more environmentally conscious, I went searching for some more sustainable alternatives, and I’ve ranked my top ten (and a bonus) here for you, so you can decide how you’ll save the earth from your throne.
Snow
Probably Vermont’s most renewable resource this time of year, besides stoners and “hippie” trasnplants, I found snow to be quite the experience wiping my ass. It didn’t really grab much of the poo off of it, but it did manage to jolt me awake.
handling: 7/10
friction: 6/10
comfort: 3/10
personal enjoyment: 8/10
overall: 6/10
Sandpaper
This was by far the least enjoyable of my “toilet-tries.” I found it to be quite rough, almost as abrasive as the line for central between classes for lunch. It left me feeling like I had a whole new sphincter.
handling: 10/10
friction: 10/10
comfort: 0/10
personal enjoyment: 5/10
overall: 6.25/10
Printer Paper
While in the library I also tested printer paper. At 5 cents a sheet this isn’t the most cost-effective way to clean up, but if Vermont’s bag laws have taught me anything, it’ll certainly cut down on usage. I couldn’t afford more than two sheets and so I resorted to using books around the library.
handling: 9/10
friction: 7/10
comfort: 8/10
personal enjoyment: 5/10
overall: 7.25/10
Howe Library Books
This one got some weird looks while I was doing it. Also, I learned when they kick you out of the library for destroying books, they don’t let you put your pants back on. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it on the first floor? If not for getting dumped on my bare butt in the cold it would’ve been great.
handling: 9/10
friction: 7/10
comfort: 8/10
personal enjoyment: 4/10
overall: 7/10
Greek Life Flyers
With a new semester comes more flyers all around campus. To the kap-sig brothers: maybe stay away from that pile of paper in your yard. I found this personally enjoyable but not much different from the other paper options mentioned before.
handling: 9/10
friction: 7/10
comfort: 8/10
personal enjoyment: 10/10
overall: 8.5/10
Cardboard
Let’s face it, even if Jeff Bezos is destroying the earth and using the profits to leave it, we all use Amazon. I know both you and I have some Amazon boxes laying around. Maybe give your Amazon boxes a second life by using them to wipe your bum. I found the box a little hard to maneuver into my crevasse, but overall it did an okay job. Bonus points for the packing tape, it really helped at the end.
handling: 2/10
friction: 6/10
comfort: 4/10
personal enjoyment: 5/10
overall: 4.75/10
Sock(s)
With this one I prayed to God that it would be a single-wiper. Unfortunately it was not. The Grundy must’ve whipped up something good because my stomach was a-turning. I ended up using two socks and my t-shirt before promptly putting them back on and retuning to my meal at Burlington’s most expensive restaurant.
handling: 8/10
friction: 9/10
comfort: 10/10
personal enjoyment: 2/10
overall: 7.25/10
Hands
While I’m not ranking overall sustainability, using your hands would be number two on this list. I found that I had absolute control over where and what I was cleaning. I was never worried about running out because I could just wipe them off there on the walls. Fantastic poop.
handling: 10/10
friction: 8/10
comfort: 6/10
personal enjoyment: 1/10
overall: 6.25/10
Nothing
This is by far the most sustainable option on this list. Although, if you’re brave enough to do it, people probably won’t be able to sustain being around you. Much like the members of our student body who’ve sworn off deodorant, this one stinks. I spent a week no wiping. A few poos were no-wipers, but the vast majority were not. Like everyone’s favorite punk band, I had a Loaded Diper.
handling: n/a
friction: n/a
comfort: 0/10
personal enjoyment: 7/10
overall: n/a
The Cynic
Nothing like using my second favorite newspaper to stay clean. Although you may have a rough time finding a copy around campus, the Cynic makes a great toilet paper. Much like the other paper options it handles well and gets the job done.
handling: 9/10
friction: 7/10
comfort: 8/10
personal enjoyment: 10/10
overall: 8.5/10
Bonus: The Water Tower News Mag
It would be unfair to use the Cynic and not use the Water Tower as well. We live in such a biased, partisan world, and I wouldn’t want to create a biased, partisan list of toilet paper substitutes. So, I sacrificed my pride on the alter of defection to see if the Water Tower serves as good toilet paper. Not to my surprise wiped fantastically. I would expect nothing less from the pinnacle of collegiate journalism, the beacon in the east, as they say, the tome of truth I’ve heard some call it.
handling: 10/10
friction: 10/10
comfort: 10/10
personal enjoyment: 0/10
overall: 7.5/10