your finals horoscope

by d.ork


My beautiful sheep. Today the stars are shining in your favor because your finals are going to be smooth sailing. You can ride the waves to success as you enjoy multiple days of straight A’s. And don’t worry about studying, because the stars might as well beam information to your brain. Put on a comfy sweater and get some hot chocolate and enjoy this Vermont winter, because you’re going to charge your way to victory.

claire fagan


Strong bull, you will meet a healthy challenge. You might spend sleepless nights studying as you try to piece together the fragments of your brain cells, but your work will pay off. Work hard and expect immense returns as you receive the best grades ever imagined.


We all know the tribulations of a useless group partner. This semester, a different set of social luck will strike you Geminis. Those big bad group finals will become a cake walk as your peer steps in and guides you to success, and to a good grade. Thank you Universe!


Just as a lost crab tries to find its way home on the vast shore of the ocean, you too will be lost in a vast sea of confusion and frustration as you wrestle with course material. But sometimes when crushed by an impossible weight, the will of the cancer can do amazing things, so stick with it soldier.


You amazing Leos, I can’t help but praise you. Us Leos were born at an incredible time for the cosmos. The fierce lion obviously tackles the end of the semester with astonishing ease, and our success is immeasurable as we rise above our classmates and dominate the school. Victory has never tasted so sweet.


You Virgos, you have been working so hard to make it through. Ultimately it was all a waste. I am sorry to report your future is destined for complete failure. Star power won’t save you this time. Keep your eyes on the registrar because you might be looking into retaking that math class. It’s not me it’s the stars.


Just like the balance of a scale, the outcome of your finals will be evenly split between extreme failure and considerable success. The end will be bittersweet as you decide whether to celebrate or to cry in horror. What is disguised as reason will turn out to appear as complete confusion. As they say, you win some, you lose some.


Scorpios, the signs are debating over you. I predict this will cause moderate success, but nothing to get excited about. I suggest you work hard, because this is up to you. The stars will not bail you out like those born earlier in the year.


Brave Centaur, shoot into the darkness and see what you find! What does that mean? It means you have to be creative. Your previous methods don’t work like they used to, so think. Think! You are this generation’s test taking innovators and we are all relying on you.


Although our best performers were not born in December/January, you Capricorns can experience moderate results. Help will not come your way, so work out your shit on your own and get this over with. It’s an uphill battle, but you were given the materials so now you just have to get going.


If you’re worried about your peers, you Aquari will be able to lend a helping hand to those whose fortunes did not pan out how they expected in this article. Oh the finals? They will go just fine. Help your friends out, be a good Aquarius and you will find fulfillment and fortune of your own.


Maybe you are sick of the semester. Maybe it’s your first round of college finals. Either way, you are a fish out of water, and you might need some of that Aquarius help. It isn’t hopeless, but it sure is bleak. I hate to end it on such a sour note but just remember: it’s not me it’s the stars.

Categories: claire fagan, d.orkin, dec 7, vol 25

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