man’s greatest desire – caveman

by sophiewolfe

Though the gender binary is becoming increasingly irrelevant to contemporary life in the 21st century, once upon a time in the world before straight dudes started wearing chipped black nail polish to signify their complete security in their own masculinity, that binary was alive and well, separating the jobs of men from the jobs of women. To some extent, though we may fight against it, these Paleolithic instincts still stir in our guts to this very day. Men are hunters; women are gatherers. Your boyfriend drives 15 minutes away to pick up food– he hunts. You remain in the comfort of your bed, surrounded by 300 pillows, compiling the TikToks you will make him watch when he gets back– you gather. It works. 

addison schwarz

I have found that men in particular long to remain connected to these primal behaviors. The urge to leave society behind, to ignore the silly trappings of civilization and go swing on some fucking trees, is strong! I find that this desire to cosplay as a caveman is deeply connected to other classic masculine urges, such as chopping wood for no reason, wearing camouflage, slapping the tops of doorways, hating women for existing, and also pissing in the woods. That last one I actually understand a lot. It is so fun to piss in the woods.  

Life used to be so simple back in those caveman days. Cocaine hadn’t been invented yet, fire was still super interesting, nobody really cared about God. It was great. Sure, the average time of death for an Average Joe Caveman was only about 25 years, but who really wants to live any longer than that anyway? For 25 blessed years you got to rock around naked all day and literally never ever brush your teeth. Corrupt institutions such as meat packing plants and dentistry were unheard of, unthought of. Nobody was trapping themselves within the meaningless contract of marriage, and, at least as far as I know, they were not debating the economic and moral ambiguities of cryptocurrency. Sounds like a breath of fresh air. 

You may find yourself rolling your eyes at your boyfriend’s seemingly outrageous need to keep the window entirely open at night, even though you live in Vermont and it is December. But in that moment, try to think about things from his perspective. Think about the millions of years that came before, every single second of that time leading up to the creation of this random dude snoring next to you and wearing a Dave Matthews Band t-shirt. Maybe that thought will give you some empathy for the guy. Or maybe it’ll just make you think about how seldomly cave people bathed and make you want to break up with him. Either way, you’ve made the right choice. And, whatever you do, don’t eat bone marrow. It does not taste like a hot dog. 

Categories: addison schwarz, dec 7, sophie wolfe, vol 25, wilt

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