It’s officially December, which means the holiday season is in full swing. And with the holidays comes a near-infinite supply of season-specific media filled withed beloved childhood characters and their adorable antics. Arguably the most famous group of them all to do Christmas content is the Muppets. A Muppet Christmas Carol for example is a pure masterpiece that has a higher level of artistry than just about every Oscar-winning movie ever. However, despite being marketed as wholesome family-friendly fun, it doesn’t take a lot of looking at the Muppets and their silly selves to know that those sick weirdos fuck. These furry creatures are absolutely bricked up for each other, and if you didn’t know that before, sorry to burst your bubble, but welcome to reality. But for me, it wasn’t enough to know that the Muppets fuck, I really wanted to dive deep into their psyches and determine just what exactly drove them wild. Through very intensive and important investigative journalism, I believe that I have figured it out. Without further delay, here are my findings.
Kermit- Kermit is into being cuckolded, big time. Look at that tiny dude and tell me that he doesn’t absolutely crave the sexual thrill from humiliation and emasculation.
Gonzo- Gonzo just wants to submit to a strong woman and serve her in whatever capacity he can. He’s a freak in the sheets, and honestly, I can see him having a thing for hot wax being poured on him. Plus, it is so hard to imagine his chicken wife being anything other than a domme.
Animal- Animal wants to be kept in a cage and fed from the hand. He’s already walking around in chains. He’s a kinky motherfucker and proud.
Fozzy Bear- Ah Fozzy Bear, what a sweet guy, right? Wrong. He’s into whipping and flogging like you would not believe. He gets off on your pain like a true sadist. It’s always the sweet ones.
Miss Piggy- Miss Piggy is the ultra fem domme. She wants to see Kermit on his sniveling little knees and she has no qualms about what she does to get it. You think her normal aggression is bad? That’s nothing compared to what happens after hours.
Rizzo the Rat- Rizzo loves cock and ball torture. This is because he is from New Jersey.
Beaker- Beaker is a voyeur. Nothing turns this quiet guy on faster than watching other people get it on. He regularly attends sex clubs just to watch. That’s why his eyes are so big, so he can see more.
Swedish Chef- The Swedish Chef is a classic foot fetishist. One could make the argument that feet are the body’s equivalent to meatballs, and as we all know, nothing appeals to the Swedish Chef more than meatballs.
In conclusion, the Muppets are nasty little freaks with nothing to lose.
Categories: dec 7, emma burns, vol 25, water cooler