Greetings Suresh. It is I.

I write today on behalf of a specialized group of individuals. Freedom fighters of sorts. Now, in recent days, you may have noticed the stark absence of a certain spirited feline in your life. We are holding said feline captive at an undisclosed location. He is safe and unharmed and will remain so provided you cooperate.  I know it must be hard to soldier on without the approachable yet fuckable energy of Rally Cat in your life, but worry not, Rally needn’t be hurt so long as our demands are met. Any deviance from the enumerated demands shall result in me leaking Rally’s tell-all memoir detailing your sexual escapades. I will know of any violations because I live in your walls. I will warn you only once against involving campus police. Should you choose to involve the authorities, Rally will be sent to a nice hockey game upstate, if you catch my drift. Our demands are as follows:

1. $100,000 in small denomination cat scratch vouchers are to be brought to the Al Gore testing station in the Davis Center at midnight tonight.
2. In concurrence with the laments of my compatriots, all dining hall chocolate milk dispensers are to be replenished at once.
3. UVM will follow through on its promises of a “cannabis-free campus” and start distributing the aforementioned free cannabis to the student body.
4. The magical cougar held within the catamount statue is to be released from its bronze shackles and allowed to rampage the greater Burlington area with impunity.
5. I will receive 5 cans of silly string to do with what I please. 
6. I am to be relieved of the cold meaningless void of consciousness and shall be facilitated to transcend this mortal plane.
7. I will receive custody of Rally on weekends as well as every other Thursday. He’s my mascot too. 

Your comically large cat is being kept alive on a steady and nutritious diet of Champlain College students, malt liquor, and loose change but this appears to be taking a toll on his health. You and I both know that he deserves to be living in his natural habitat, hunting for his preferred prey of wellness kids who stay up past their bedtime. His coat, which once gleamed and shimmered so brightly beneath the warm lights of the Gut, has taken on a gray coloration and he appears to have contracted mange. If you ever want to see (or feel) your precious Rally Cat again, you would be wise to obey. You have until the business students finish at the sand table and go to nap time to comply.

Categories: around town, dec 7, vol 25