endlessly chain-smoking through winter

by danelibler

Finding yourself to be down right insufferable this holiday season? Do you experience the pain of breathing dry, frigid air every waking moment? Don’t want to put your hands in your pockets but, too indecisive to know what to do with them? In search of a fulfilling winter activity? Think yourself a radical revolutionary intent on undermining the empire, but too scared of slipping on ice to go outside? I may have the solution for you.

Cigarettes. Cigarettes?

They are vintage, they are radical, they are aromatic and they are fiscally responsible.

Though your intake may start small; say a cigarette here, a cigarette there. Do not be discouraged.  Using your body’s natural adeptness towards success in no time you could advance to the class of  “heavy smoker”. The benefits that come with becoming a heavy smoker follow a basic trend of your exponential growth venture into capital, and I ain’t talking about DC. Based on a study conducted by Cigs-tistics Institute of Greater BS on the relationship between smoking and mortality; on average, one in four heavy smokers die before their 65th birthday! In 2021, the average American life spans 78.79 years. Now with a little mathematics magic we can determine that smoking cigarettes shaves nearly 14 years off of one’s life. That is 14 years you save on bills, anguish, taxes, headaches, heartbreak, and …. mondays. 14 Winters just magically gone, Imagine. 

Now I know what you are thinking, “Wow, Lane, that is like magic. How can I get in on this?”

Well all you need is 21 years of life, about 10 dollars, a lighter, and the bravado to question big government. 

It’s that easy!

In recent years the U.S federal government has launched a series of anti-smoking propaganda targeted towards our youth. Why? Because they want you alive those extra 14 years for labor and taxes to fund their neverending reign of dominance over the majority. So reclaim control over your own body and just smoke. I challenge you to shed all preconceived notions being fed to the public by the authoritative “man”. He is trying to tell you; that it’s dirty, and smelly, and unattractive, and bad for your health. Do not let him fool you, like the weak willed that walked before. 

Have you ever wondered why the government cares more about children smoking than they do about providing health care? “The Real Cost” – an anti smoking campaign launched in 2014 by the FDA has accumulated to an approximate $60 million effort.  Yet, healthcare is only available when it is paid for out of the shallow pockets of hard-working Americans. Why? Because it’s in the government’s best interest to preserve your lungs young. 

Why?- to optimize your work output over the span of your life. But, once your body is  broken they will discard you and focus on the next generation of young, fresh lungs to progress their fascist regime. A successful example of this business model is employed by Jeff Bezos to meet his labor demands for Amazon. 

And people forget that cigarettes can be fun too. When mentioned- the term, “Winter sports” often creates visuals of suited up bodies barreling at a life-risking speed down a 85 degree incline, or possibly graceful legs skimming over the slickest natural state of mass (ice) on two cleavers wrapped around your feet. But if it’s adrenaline you seek, you may consider the following game. Next time you find yourself in downtown Burlington. Grab a friend, light your death-sticks, and start walking up that hill. First one who makes it up is the rotten egg and smokes 2 cigarettes because of it. Why? Because if you are winning a smoking race on that hill, then you are not optimizing your time well, as smoking cigarettes is a full time winter activity. Risk your life this Winter, but don’t let it be an accident. Make the choice! And choose cigarettes. 

Finally, whispers of our Supreme Court overturning Roe V. Wade are amplifying. Roe v. Wade is the landmark supreme court case that carved abortion is a constitutionaly right. Now, post-Trump, the Court is stacked with “pro-lifers” itching at the opportunity to reassert to this country’s wombs that the government owns you. If you are an abortion warrior, I beg you to take a stand. And show the world which side of history you will fight for. Smoke Cigerattes, to show those pro-lifers how fucking pro-death you are. We will not lose this battle, comrades. If we all smoke a cig together.

 And remember if your friend is having difficulty securing an abortion, give them the gift of a 12-carton value pack of Newport’s. Cigarette smoking during pregnancy has been proven to lead what health professionals call, “spontanous abortion”.

So this winter season, remember the air you breathe in America is already cancerous. Mights as well go down doing something you love.

I know I will.

Categories: dane libler, dec 7, reflections, vol 25

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