by kelseydeemer & grantwoods
KELSEY: I miss the early teens, Grant. Back when Ugg boots sprung from yoga pants! More than anything, I miss “Downtown” by Macklemore. That has to be my favorite song, ever, maybe.
GRANT: Are you kidding me, Kelsey! I was just thinking about how bad that song is. There is nothing redeeming about that stupid song. It’s just Thrift Shop but worse.
KELSEY: It’s just Thrift Shop but better! Downtown might as well be a full Broadway production with two acts and an intermission! It has plot, it has drama, epic highs and lows.
GRANT: But who wants to hear a musical on the radio? The song goes on forever. And all the parts are so disjointed! All the parts are “lows”, too! At least a musical has some continuity.
KELSEY: Ever heard of a little show called A Midsummer Night’s Dream? Talk about disjointed and we still tolerate her! Oh to be cast in Downtown: The Experience, the closest I will ever get to performing in the Macklemore Theatrical Universe is karaoke night. Nothing fuels me like singing “got gas in the tank, cash in the bank” back to a crowd of equally adoring Macklemore fans.
GRANT: There are millions of lyrics in the song and not one of them is coherent. Macklemore’s excessive use of slant rhymes is egregious. At a certain point it seems like he’s trying to rhyme the most disparate words possible. “You don’t need an Uber, you don’t need a cab. Fuck a bus pass, you got a moped man!” “Man” sounds so bad. Also, Kelsey, why is everyone obsessed with using words that are aurally detrimental? They yell “alley” and Macklemore says “tiramisu.”
KELSEY: There are layers to the song! Like tiramisu, tiramisu. Also, Grant, he rhymes that with “tearing my suit!” Does it get much better than that?
GRANT: Earlier in the song, it’s his scrotum dragging on the ground! Hey, how about that woman who moans for three seconds before saying “downtown?”
KELSEY: She’s excited about going Downtown! I would moan for three seconds if I was going Downtown too. This song rocks, it’s making me want to move Downtown where I could “cruise through the alley, tip-toeing, in the street like ballet.”
GRANT: All you do downtown is throw fish to a player.
KELSEY: Come on, Grant! Lighten up. Maybe you could try catching a fish one day! Macklemore is a total wife guy and that shines in the Downtown music video. Besides, who can argue with the anthemic crescendo ending!
GRANT: Alright, you are right. It’s hard not to like the ending.
KELSEY: See! You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, I knew you would come around. So it’s agreed, Downtown is totally kickass, has something for everyone, and is a significant piece of our shared popular culture as we know it today.