yerba takes the kink test

by kwosahnt

Yerba Mate. The glue that sticks this campus together, the beverage that quenches our thirst for academic validation. Or so I’ve heard. I’ve been to UVM for a year and half now and I haven’t had a sip of the drink that has a gorilla grip on this campus. So like any sane person would do, I decided to go to redstone market and buy every yerba mate flavor they had (the lady behind the register looked at me like I was crazy, but she was kind enough give me a box to carry all of them back to my dorm, bless her)

20-ish points and 1 caffeinated shit later, I have tailored a beautiful list of each flavor and their kink test results. (Plz don’t kill me guys)

Classic Gold: Tastes like piss. And based off the name, it really runs home the thought of golden showers. 

Verdict: Watersports

Cranberry Pomegranate: Prob my favorite flavor so far. Bright, tangy, agreeable. Gives me the vibe that it wants to make everyone happy, a bit of a people pleaser. It definitely has daddy issues and wants someone to take care of them. 

Verdict: Little 

Revel Berry: This flavor tastes like water, but if you wait long enough you can taste the faintest hint of blackberry. This makes me think of a Christian who represses their sexual urges until college, but then turns into the kinkiest bitch on campus. 

Verdict: Vanilla on the streets, rope bunny in the sheets

Lemon Elation: As a lemon flavor lover, I wasn’t elated at all. If I hooked up with this flavor it probably would think my left flap was where the clit is. It promised me so much yet all it did was dry me up. Don’t really think this one deserves a kink result. 

Verdict: man

Orange Exhuberance: Reminds me of eating an orange popsicle. 

Verdict: Brat (no, I won’t explain)

Grapefruit Ginger: I never thought a drink would be able to be spicy. But maybe that’s the half white in me talking. This flavor isn’t for the faint of heart, it has experience and almost a milfy type of vibe. Cranberry Pomegranate should hit them up. 

Verdict: Daddy, maybe rigger

Revive Mint: Literal hell on earth. Like putting mini razor blades in my mouthwash and forcing it down my throat. The sensation of it going down my throat reminds me of a collar tightening around my neck. Revive Mint wants me to bark. I might listen. 

Verdict: Owner

Bluephoria: I actually gagged in pain during my first sip. But for some reason, I kept drinking. It tastes like a blueberry stepped on me with a pair of dirty combat boots, commanding me to call her mommy as one heel is stuffed in my mouth. She radiates pain and somehow pleasure. She makes Christian Grey get on all fours. 

My verdict: Sadist, mistress, degrader.

 (Call me sometime plz)

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Categories: nov 23, vol 25, water cooler

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