why we should put our parents in the metaverse

by d.orkin

Facebook is for old people, this much is true. It preys on their need for interaction and connects millions of boomers across the world in perfect harmony. I call this portion of the population “Facebook Age.” Young enough to access the internet with relative comfort, but too old to navigate it responsibly and effectively, as us young people do so well.  Unfortunately for us college students, this Facebook content circling around the “Facebook age” population is regurgitated into our text messages and our family group chats. It is clear that this content was not spawned for our young, innocent eyes. What we have is a big problem, and what we need is a big solution. Readers: I present the Metaverse.

Listen up young people: we have a solution to all our problems and it’s right in front of our faces. The Zuck has created with his human intelligence an entire universe that we can dump our beloved Facebook age into and let them float around in political infographics and wedding pictures to their hearts content. As society gradually transitions into this virtual realm, I propose we start the shift with our very own parents. Strap that screen on their face and watch them lose themselves in an infinite expanse of their own creation. “I know her, we’re Facebook friends.” Watch them smile as they laugh with the distant friends they had not talked with in 20 years. We will save our generation and their own. We roam the streets free of these lunatic drivers and slow walkers, joyriding into the sunset while they sit and play words with friends in the sky. Or whatever actually happens in the metaverse, I don’t actually know.

Poor parents, they were really the first victim of the social media takeover. But what we need is order, and it makes sense for them to be the first victim of Zuck’s takeover of physical reality as we know it. Why put people in who can operate an iPhone already? We need people to test the limits. If you can’t figure out how to turn the screen brightness down, I would love to sit and watch you try to figure out the complexities of an entire new reality. I see it as the best way to test the new features.

If this all seems a bit dystopian, and the idea of the Matrix in real life doesn’t have you stoked, wait until after thanksgiving. After you spend days talking with your “Facebook Age” relatives, you will come back ready to dump who you thought was the cool uncle into the digital void. I personally long for the days where our earth is patrolled by the giant squid robots that enslave humanity, because I know with my actions of publishing here, I will come out on top. Embrace the change, let go of your loved ones, and welcome us all into our inevitable future.

Categories: d.orkin, nov 23, vol 25, water cooler

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