uvm’s catastrophe

by mattmcgotty

There’s a bizarre trend looming over campus. An unsettling pattern that has infected our everyday vernacular and could potentially destroy our community as a whole. Some may call me melodramatic, but the catamount puns have lingered in my mind from Day 1. It seems like you can’t go anywhere without dropping one of these feline flavored phrases at some point. And the kicker is that I somewhat enjoy them. No disrespect to the North Reading Hornets that stung their way into my heart in High School, but seriously you can kill yourself. What kind of blindfolded dartboard drinking game was held to choose some bug to represent some random town in Northeast Massachusetts? This is why I am at least eased at the idea of the catamount charming the pants off the collective student body. Very recently through deep introspection I have also come to the realization that these cat puns are more than the mere afterthoughts I suffered through in my high school career, but solid wordplay that even someone as cynical as me can’t help but chuckling at as I whisper them under my breath. It is for this reason that I have ranked them.

5. Catscratch- It was only recently that I discovered that the fake money UVM uses was indeed a play on words. Call me ignorant but allegedly scratch is another term on money. I appreciate the sentiment, but a name like this can only work if everyone’s in on the joke, not just people who qualify for AARP benefits.

4. Advocat- Apparently, ‘tour guide’ must have been just a bit too tricky for good ol’ Suresh to spell. Hell, for all we know this is one big typo they passed off as another reason to inflate the egos of the students who get more than 8 hours of sleep. I just can’t get over how corny it sounds. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

3. Catgun- this one is more of an honorable mention, but I can’t think of a better tradition than inhaling a beer that still costs more than telling your mom you love her. The name isn’t clever by any stretch of the imagination. Frankly, I know at least two frat guys who could have come up with this name before they graduated with straight a 2.5 gpa, but it gets the job done. And just like that that gpa, maybe some things are better left doing the bare minimum.

2. Rally cat- I don’t give a hoot if how ridiculous this name is, mascots are required to be at least 95% goofy. The other 5% is reserved for bringing awareness to sex work or something. But picture this: the carefree life of a mere alley cat turned university sensation through a little college magic and a low rent fursuit that smells like garlic and mead.

1. Catpause- If all the other cat puns in the world disappeared forever, I would ambivalent as long as the convenience store of my dreams was still with me every step of the way. I wish I was joking when I say I laugh at this every time I walk by it. Cat paws? Cats pausing for a quick pick me up? The ads write themselves and I can’t even say I’m mad about it. This is one can stay.

Overall, I leave feeling unsatisfied and slightly disgruntled. Part of me feels uncomfortable with how frustrated this corny jokes make me. Another part of me feels relieved to know UVM has yet to bring awareness to sexual harassment with an inappropriately titled ‘Catcall.’

Categories: matt mcgotty, nov 23, review, vol 25

%d bloggers like this: