The tragedy began long ago. At first it was innocent. He took on roles in Parks and Rec, Jurassic Park, and a few other original titles. Then he became a lego, increasing the price of the already overpriced dyed plastic. Next was Starlord, which will continue to be milked by the Marvel franchise until the end of time.
But then it started to get worse.
He became Mario, and shortly after became the voice of Garfield. Both arguably sacred roles, representing large populations in America: Italians and Garfield lovers. This act of giving him these roles was basically Hollywood replacing the bald eagle with a picture of Chris Pratt in an Angry Birds costume.
But then the executive beyond the devil’s capability of evil decided that it was not enough. Soon he was Chucky, the Easter bunny, Freddy Fazbear, James Bond, Harry Potter, John F. Kennedy, and eventually he was voicing the entire Addams family. He became the protagonist, antagonist, side characters, and eventually the entire cast of EVERY. SINGLE (American). MOVIE. He was Godzilla, the police, the military, the random citizen being squished, and even the buildings being destroyed.
Chris Pratt lovers and haters rampaged through the streets. Cosplayers and furries engaged in fist fights about the voice behind Meowth in Detective Pikachu 2. Tears of agony flooded New York City as Morgan Freeman’s soothing voice has been seemingly erased from existence. Prattophiliacs brought their joy to the cities as Chris was cast as both Mr. Grey and the submissive employee in the 50 Shades of Gray remastered edition.
Movie stars roamed the streets in search of new work. Leonardo Dicaprio started cutting hair. Sandra Bullock managed a hotdog stand in Aurora, Colorado. Margot Robbie actually became the highest rated pizza delivery salesperson in Connecticut.
An equally horrifying side effect of the event was that no one could escape Chris Pratt. He was in ads for every single movie which were everywhere.Video you need to watch for class? He’s there. Public transport? He’s there. Radio? He’s there. Taking a shit and you want to play your favorite free mobile game with an excessive amount of advertisements because you can’t be bothered to pay the 99 cents? He’s there too. But it didn’t stop there.
He somehow was not just in American films, but appeared in Korean, Irish, Kakistanian, Russian, Chilean, and films from other countries. Casting directors were left in shock, with no memory of casting Pratt. He just somehow appeared in the final film and the rolling credits. Countries were enraged, claiming that the US had created a new form of biological warfare. The United States declined association, claiming that it was solely Hollywood.
Some predicted it would be a disagreement over nuclear weapons, debt, famine, presidential choices of the United States, a plague, or climate change to incite the third most gruesome world war. However, it was none other than Chris Pratt himself. The world began to hate America even more. America hated America even more. The world never knew true peace ever again.
The end uwu
Categories: ben duhamel, nov. 9, vol 25, water cooler